Saturday, December 27, 2014

Out with the Old, In with the New

As the year comes to an end, I can't help but think back to all the happenings of 2014. A lot has happened. A lot has changed. Some friendships were mended yet there were others still that were lost- to time, to distance, to trivial misunderstandings. Treasures have been lost, others found a way back to me somehow but the rest were lost to the world forever. People have come to disrupt my routine and have gone in just about the same abrupt manner. Lessons have been learned and unlearned. Experiences. Memories. Smiles. Laughter. Tears.

Too many things have happened in the past year. So how does one begin the coming year renewed? What does it mean to start fresh? To start with a blank slate? How do you take all these things and just... make them disappear? All the joy and the pains of these past months, how do you get rid of them? The answer is simple. You don't.

You are molded by your experiences, your memories- the moments that made you smile and laugh, the moments that made you cry and crumble, the moments that made you doubt yourself, the moments of your defeat and failures. So, how could you possibly just get rid of them in hopes of doing better the coming year by starting anew? Your memories are a part of who you are and you can't just do away with them. Even if they hurt. So, what we do is we keep them as closed chapters of our lives. We put them in boxes and leave them there until times come when we need to consult them to remind ourselves of our past mistakes, to relearn lessons once learned, to avoid repeating history. But for so long as they are not needed, they remain untouched and they become nothing more than the past that has led you into becoming who you are now.

The problem comes when you realize that not all memories can be boxed away because not all loose ends have been dealt with, not all questions have been answered, not all qualms have been put to rest. As you trudge through your memories, you realize how much unfinished business you have left. Are these not the things that you shouldn't bring to the next year? At least, not in the current state that they are in. These loose ends, questions and qualms, should you not settle them now?

I'm not sure I'm making sense. My mind appears to be a mess. Perhaps I am grieving the things I have lost this year- friends, ideologies, trust, hope. Or perhaps I am lost in the world of unfinished business I have yet to settle. Or perhaps this is simple the way my mind works.

The world is a curious, curious place. And, for lack of anything better to say, I wish you all a Happy New Year! May you put to rest any open cases before the year comes to an end.

Wednesday, December 24, 2014

Talk Back and You're Dead

I never watched the movie nor read the book. And to be honest, I have no plans to do either of these. But, the statement seemed appropriate, so allow me to use it.

I'm known for my gargoyle stare and sharp tongue. So, it no longer surprises me to learn that people are afraid of me. I believe that everyone is entitled to their own opinion of other people. In much the same way, I believe that multiple encounters with someone, allows you to gleam into who they are, thereby changing how you see them. It didn't bother me that people were afraid of me because if they knew who I really was or even just a portion of who I was then they would realize that I wasn't someone to be feared. At least, I thought that was the way it was until certain events proved me wrong.

The realization came to me in a fashion no less shocking than if I had taken on the ice bucket challenge. It was shocking. And, at the same time, quite painful. Even my friends were afraid of me. The people who should have known me better still found me frightful. Well, I suppose knowing that wasn't quite as shocking as I might want to make it out to be. I've always known that. But finding myself in a situation where all I could do was take all the words they've dealt to me and not find the option to say anything back just made my situation clear, defined and quite permanent, like it had now been set in stone.

I've known people who have shut their mouths closed and kept their retorts to themselves because they were afraid that voicing out how they felt would start a feud with me. They never understood that I wanted them to speak their minds, to say their piece and to be frank. Because, that was the way I was- I spoke my mind, I never shut up until I've said my piece and I was frank. I was born with a lack of verbal filter and am quite tactless. This has hurt some of my dearest friends but I believe that this has also been the reason for the insurmountable trust we have for each other. Being able to say what I want comes with the price of having people judge me with the same harshness. I've known this my entire life and I welcome the criticism. But people have always mistaken my honesty and bluntness to be an offensive scheme instead of an invitation to have a real, honest and true conversation.

It wasn't just one event. It was a succession of events that had slapped me in the face and nearly crushed my spirit. The fact that I had lived with this open invitation to a verbal sword fight of sorts made it extremely hard for me to find myself in a situation where people were asking to change who I am without giving me the opportunity to defend myself. It was done out of concern, perhaps even care or love for me. It was a simple case of telling me my apparent shortcomings and faults. Why am I taking offense in this when I said that I was open to criticisms? Because I felt cheated. They were telling me all these bad things that I did. And, while I admit that some of them were true to varying degrees, some of them were just plain wrong and simply a misinterpretation of my actions.

I was cheated because I wasn't given the opportunity to present my side. Because they were so quick to blame everything on me without taking the time to look in a mirror. Because I felt like the verdict was given without a proper trial. And, yes, I could have had chosen to voice my thoughts out but doing so, at that time, felt like it would shatter the fragile connection we had. I felt trapped. And, I felt cheated because they didn't have the courtesy to offer the same invitation I had always given to everyone around me. And, to add insult to injury, I felt like they were trying to change me into this person who I was not. It was like they didn't understand the meaning of compromise, of friendship.


They did eventually ask me to speak up. That is, they asked me in the most incomprehensible way before quickly changing the topic and picking up a microphone to sing out loud. Maybe one day I'll get to have that conversation with them. Maybe there will come a time when this won't just be a post of a lone soul but a multi-sided conversation. It could happen, probably when no one's so ass-drunk that they wouldn't remember the conversation had it happened. But for the mean time, I find myself still licking my wounds.

There's a reason only so few have heard my innermost thoughts. Not everyone can handle the darkest me. Not everyone understands. And, that's okay. Because I only need the few who bother to try and look past all my layers.

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

CRUSH Material

What are the things we see in men that make us go crazy over them?

A lot, actually. And, if I had to make a list of all of them, it'd take me forever. But, here's a quick run down of the top 10 from some female friends. (The arrangement was all me, though. Because, you know, I'm awesome. XD )

10. Good-Looking
Because women can be superficial, too. But, really, who can judge us when the easiest thing to recognize is aesthetics?? We look at guys and the first thing we see is his face. Now, if only the handsome pips could stop turning out to be shorter than us.

9. Fit
We're not talking about bulging muscles and all that because, frankly, they're a turn off. We mean fit as in physically fit (Yeah, I'm not sure I'm making sense either). The thing is, we want guys who are huggable and not rail thin. It'd be a bonus if he danced, or played sports like basketball.

8. Captivating Eyes
They say eyes are the windows to the soul. I'm not sure about seeing a person's soul through his eyes but there are eyes that just draw you in and threaten to drown you in their depths. Eyes that make you fall.

7. Musically-Inclined
This can range from simply loving listening to music to actually having the ability to create music. While the idea of serenade is dated, the thought of someone wooing you with well-thought out lyrics and notes can be quite appealing. So much so that we would even be willing to forgive tone deaf singers.

6. Thoughtful
What does being thoughtful mean? Well, it's quite simple. We want guys who can read our minds so he can come up with all the right things to do at the right time. Well, not really. Or, yeah. A bit. Really, it's all about the small gestures.

5. Respectful
There are two sides to guys- the one they allow us to see and the one they wear with their guy friends. We want guys who will respect us behind our backs. Those who won't let other guys talk crap about us. Because we deserve that.

4. Sense of Humor
It is as they say, if you want someone to fall for you, make her laugh. It's the fastest way to have us let our guard down. Just a quick reminder, though. While there are some of us who can tolerate and even appreciate guy humor, we'd prefer clean, harmless jokes.

3. Family-Oriented
You know how a guy will treat you by the way he treats his mother and his female siblings.

2. Intelligent
Because, what use is a great face without the brains to keep it interesting? Besides, smart people always make for great conversationalists. Although, I should probably clarify that I'm talking about smart people and not know-it-alls. Because nobody likes talking to know-it-alls.

1. God-Fearing
This is perhaps one of the hardest thing to find in men. The real ones, at least. I mean, just how many guys are there who aren't so easily taunted into doing things that are- for lack of better words- worldly?


Stephanie gaped at me. "That's a long list, Jo."

"I know."

She shook her head. "You realize he can't be all that, right? He'd have to be perfect."

"But, he is," I insisted. "He has to be. He's my crush."

My best friend just laughed at me. "Oh, I'd love to see your face when you get to know him and realize how far off you are."

Scrunching my eyebrows, I answered her. "But I won't get to know him. I'm not supposed to. He's my crush."

She gave me a weird look but I just stared back. It took her a minute before her face cleared up and she gasped with realization. "Poor, Nate."

"What?" I hated it when she does that- say things unsequentially. I'm never sure whether she's the problem or I am.

She smirked at me before uttering a word that confounded me even more. "Crush-zoned."

Yup. It's definitely her.

That small bit was an excerpt from Crush-Zoned! I've decided to join NaNoWriMo again this year. I'm not yet sure how I'm going to pull that off but I'm taking up the challenge. Am hoping for your support. :)

Oh, and I need a cover photo for this. Any takers?

Eyes Wide Open

The danger of open-mindedness is that you're opening yourself up to temptations. The price of having eyes with a panoramic view is a thinner skin- a weaker barrier against influence, a vulnerability to things that would have otherwise been unknown to you. Sooner or later, you realize that the nature that allowed you to be open-minded in the first place has amplified the whispers of darkness in your ears. And, it will be that very nature that will push you further into the arms of that darkness.

Why am I being so sinister? I suppose I'm still reeling from the realization of just how far I've allowed myself to go. It was not unlike getting a bucket of ice water dumped over my head. I've always prided myself for the ability to put myself out there while maintaining my hold on my self, my beliefs and my principles. It had taken me a long time to realize my situation. Or perhaps I knew it as soon as I stepped over the line, I was just in denial.

Let me start at the beginning. There are two types of people. The first one includes those who are so set in their ways that they can't see anything past what they already know. They are those who close themselves off to other possibilities, other realities and other truths. They are those who don't bother to look at or even acknowledge the existence of other ways different from their own. And, this close-mindedness keeps them from seeing the whole picture. They simply believe that their way of life, their understanding of life is the right one. This goes against the scientist in me. After all, scientists are supposed to consider all the possibilities in an objective and unbiased perspective. Which is why I chose to be of the second type.

Open-mindedness is the ability to see every side to a situation. It doesn't mean that you have to agree with everything and everyone. It is more the willingness to understand every possible aspect before coming to a decision on what you stand by. It is in essence an exploration of all the cultures, a head dive into a sea of knowledge. And, it can be very fun and liberating. That is, for so long as you don't lose yourself in the currents. Because losing sight of who you are can be as easy as deciding to just go along for the ride into the unknown.

I lost myself. I didn't get into drugs or anything illegal, but still. Your very identity is structured around your morals, principles and beliefs. When you start acting against these, you chip away at yourself. And, just how much of yourself do you have to lose before realizing that something's wrong? Not too much, I hope. Because then, I wouldn't know what to do with myself.

The world is a beautiful place that should be seen without prejudiced staining. Just remember that all things beautiful have thorns.

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

I am Good Enough

What is the one thing that could hurt you the most? It's that one thing that people throw around like they have the right to do so. That one thing that could make a vulnerable soul crumble. Expectation. I can almost hear the boos and disgruntlement over this. And, I'm certain many would argue that love is a far more hurtful thing. Perhaps those people are right. Or perhaps they just don't realize how badly expectations can damage us. How deeply they can reach into our psyche.

I can no longer count the number of times I had nearly pushed myself over the edge for what someone else wanted me to be. It is almost humiliating to think of the amount of tears I once shed over something as silly as trying to uphold someone else's notion of who I am. You see, expectations are tricky little things. They have a way of snaking doubt into our minds and planting seeds of desperation and fear into our hearts. They make us doubt our own abilities, our own skills, our own identity. They make us desperate to reach for goals that are more often not our own. They make us fear failure and what others would think of us. They make us fear other people's opinion of us- their thoughts, their judgment, their disappointment.

Disappointment is born out of failed expectations. Expectations are nothing more than a person's unattainable dreams being projected onto others. It's nothing more than their way of trying to live life through another person. Expectations are images born out of someone's misguided interpretation of who a person is and who he/she can be. These are lethal poisons thrown around through off-handed comments, jokes, teasing threats and the like. It's almost too casually done for the kind of damage it deals to the unprepared.

It's sad how easily people discard who they are for the sake of trying to be someone they're not. Sadder, still, when they don't realize how doing so only detract from who they are. With every expectation made is bound to be a disappointment. And, with every disappointment, we allow someone else to take a part of us away. Why do we beat ourselves up over someone else's expectations of us? Worse yet, why allow ourselves to suffer by our own expectations of ourselves?

I doubt there's a way to eliminate expectations in the world. We can hardly eliminate poverty, how much better would we fare at phasing out unwarranted thoughts from naturally nosy beings? In the end, it's not other people we need to change but ourselves. We need to decide just how far we're going to let other people dictate how we live our own lives. We need to choose whose opinion matters and whose don't. We need to regain our self-confidence and believe in who we are.

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." -Psalm 139:14

We are wonderful, beautiful creatures yet we keep trying to change ourselves because we don't - can't see ourselves in our entirety. And, maybe we do try to look at who we are but we look at mirrors that have been distorted by society's skewed standards and convince ourselves that something's lacking in us. You're wrong. It's just as Tohru Honda of Fruits Basket said,

"If you think of someone's good qualities as the umeboshi in an onigiri, it's as if their qualities are stuck to their back! People around the world are like onigiri. Everyone has an umeboshi with a different shape and color and flavor. But because it's stuck on their back, they might not be able to see their umeboshi."

This is for all the souls out there who feel that they aren't good enough, for all the spirits that have been beaten down, for all the hearts heavy with disappointment. I may not know your personal situation, but I do know this as a fact. You are an amazing, beautiful, wonderful creature with talents and strengths unique to you alone. And, no matter what the world's defective system of putting value to human beings says, you are invaluable. You are good enough, strong enough, beautiful enough, skilled enough.

Thursday, October 2, 2014

[NAME] was Here

Do you fear death? If you were to die this instance, would you be okay with it? Or would you beg for your life-for more time?

I watch a lot of action movies and one of the most recurring scenes is that of someone, despite their burly appearance, begging for their lives when placed at gunpoint. What is it that brings brave gang men to tears when placed in the brink of death? I used to think that it was due to cowardice and that I was better than them because I wouldn't beg. I would accept the fate given me.

I never understood it- the fear of death. Why be afraid of the inevitable? Why postpone something that would eventually have to pass? We would all have to die. It's the cycle of life. I understood and accepted this truth. But a few years into my life has made me realize that perhaps the act of begging for one's life isn't simply from cowardice or from want to continue living. It is from a sudden realization that comes only when faced with death. The realization that you're not yet ready.

I'm not talking about having unfinished business because we'll always have those. I'm not talking about having regrets because I've long realized the frailty of human life and have learned to live with as little regrets as possible. No, I'm talking about our need to feel eternal. And, before you say something, this isn't some misguided crusade for the search for the fountain of youth in an effort to evade death. I believe that eternal life is achieved only in the afterlife.

Legacy. That's the only way to put it in one word. Our complicated need to leave a mark on this world. A reassurance that we ever existed. Something that would continue to exist long after our body turns back to dust. We fear death because we realize that we haven't left a legacy yet. What is there to say that you were once alive in this world and you lived a true and meaningful life?

I often find myself staring into space and thinking of all the things I've done in my life. It is a short list for I have yet to truly live. But, it scares me to think that it seems as though I have yet to do anything that could build towards something worth being remembered for.

How about you? How have you fared so far?

Saturday, September 27, 2014

A Child's Innocence

I never thought it to be a blessing. I had even equated it to naivety- stupidity, even. Childhood innocence seemed to be a waste. I was so eager to learn about the dirty, gritty matters of life that I so easily discarded it- too early on in my years, apparently. I thought that knowing the harsh realities of life would make the adults around me take me seriously. I thought that knowing meant more. It was too late when I realized that childhood innocence was a time-bound treasure that could not be brought back.

Oh, what bliss it was! To not see malice in every turn. To hold hands and hug a friend, and not have to worry about raising unwelcome feelings. To easily give and receive with no thought as to ulterior motives. To speak your mind freely and not have to worry about consequences. Or at least, nothing more than perhaps a scolding or even the bite of belt against flesh. To wake up in the morning and not feel a great burden on your shoulders. To look at friends and not question their motives. To look at the human population and not see the darkness that you now realize is present in everyone. To trust easily. To love freely. And, to laugh genuinely.

There is beauty in a child's innocence. One that I find difficult to explain. But I find joy in their kind, sweet smiles. Smiles that they so easily give away. Smiles that I know will come less often as they grow up. So, I take as much as I can get. And, I smile back. Because there is that power in their smile. A kind of spell that makes you smile back at them no matter how badly your day was going.

I feel delight in their unending questions- silly as they might be. I take strength from their laughter. But most of all, I feel hope blossoming in my heart with their presence. I suppose that's it. Hope. It is a rather difficult thing to keep in your grasps when faced with ugly truths of this world. Yet it overflows in them.

It's why they easily believe their parents would really buy them that unnecessary, not-in-the-budget toy. It's how they can look at the dark clouds and smile. And, when the rain does come, how they can laugh and dance in the rain. Because they know that the sun would show up tomorrow, if not later that day. It's hope. Or maybe they just believe that a rainbow would appear and they're eager at the thought of finding the pot of gold.

I feel old, and I'm certain many of the people who know me would say that I look the part, too. But, I know that I am young in years and have more to see, to experience, to live. I am nowhere near experienced enough or independent enough to make claims about the hardships of life yet I keep feeling chains constraining me, dragging me down.

So, yes. I am slightly jealous of children. Of their quick smiles. Of their hearty laughter. Of their innocence. Of their freedom. Of their hope.

Friday, September 26, 2014


The UN has recently launched a HeForShe campaign for gender equality. Now, this might be the right time to admit that I only know this because of the inspiring and truly eye-opening speech by Emma Watson.

So, yes, I watched it because I'm a fan of Emma Watson. But, I'm now writing about it because her words have reminded me of a reality that I have, for some reason, forgotten. Her words stabbed at my heart and I couldn't help but feel guilty.

You see, she spoke of how this fight for gender equality was one that could only be won when both sides came together. This was her formal invitation to all the men to take arms and stand by women. And, this was a revelation that, I must admit, has eluded me for so long. In talks of feminism and gender equality, so often have we made enemies of men- antagonizing them when, I now realize, they are not at fault. Not entirely, at least.

Because more than this revelation is the shocking realization that it truly is partly women's fault that gender discrimination continues to plague us. Is it not women who associate dominance with males? Is it not women who expect men to pick up the tab for every dinner date? Is it not women who require men to pull up their chairs, to open their doors for the sole reason that they are females?

By doing all these, is it not also women who create their own image of frailty? It is through this that we put men on the pedestal of power. And, there the image of man is formed. Man who is strong, unyielding and in control. Man who does not cry for he does not feel pain. Man who does not fear anything. Man who provides for woman. Because what else could a dainty woman be than a damsel in distress always in need of a knight in shining armor?

Yes, the world has placed women in a disadvantaged position. And, women have, for generations been fighting against this. Yet we forget that in the process, the world has also placed men in a cage. It has provided a tight, restricting image of what man is and what he is not. Any slight deviation makes Perhaps it is time that women stop simply fighting for themselves. She for she has been tried and it hadn't worked perhaps because it has resulted in a struggle against an opposing gender that has its own reasons for keeping their place in power.

He for she is certainly a step in the right direction. For how else could there be gender equality without the support of both genders? But, shouldn't women also fight for men? For their right to be free of the constraints that have also been thrown at them by the world? After all, we may carry different burdens, but they weigh us down just the same.

Monday, September 22, 2014

All the Little Things

Solitude within a crowd. Silent screams. Giant dwarfs.

Everyone seems to understand the existence of contrasts in our lives yet we continue to be blind-sided by these. We take advantage of the literal, the tangible, and forget the greater meaning behind what would otherwise be seen as trivial, petty or insignificant. We forget the value of sentiment.

Sentiment. What is this, exactly? It's that feeling, that emotion that overpowers the worldly value of items. It's what makes the smallest of gestures amount to so much more. And, it is the contrast of the smallest of deeds and it's potential impact on others that blind-sided me.

How often have you found yourself feeling down only to have your spirits lifted up by someone saying "Please" or "Thank you" to you? I'm sure there have been some, if not several, of these instances. It may not have solved your problems but hearing such words could easily lift a burden from your shoulders. It makes the endless hours of slaving over your work, worth it. It makes the pain in your back or neck hurt a little less. Because somehow, in some way, someone appreciates and respects who you are.

Yet, when was the last time you ever said "Thank you" to someone else? Just awhile ago when you asked that unassuming man to pass your fare to the driver? When your server came up to you with your food? This morning, when you woke up alive and well? A week ago when someone helped you carry your heavy load? A month ago, during your birthday? Last year, just as you accepted your Christmas gifts?

It's a bit sad how we so often forget the simplest of things, the most basic of etiquette even. Have we been leading such busy lives that we have forgotten? Or have we simply discounted the power behind the simplest of words, the smallest of deeds?

Nevertheless, the power remains. It is this power that makes hearing the words "Thank you" more fulfilling than being paid a million dollars. It is this power that makes handing a loaf of bread to a beggar more heartwarming than handing him a wad of cash. It is what makes a ring woven from grass and bound by promises more valuable than a diamond ring.

This is the power that exists within all the little things that make life seem a bit brighter.

Saturday, September 20, 2014

What If? Sept. 20, 1519

Have you noticed how Google always marks some of the important dates of the year with some creative design or game? Well, I think they missed today. Why today, you ask? Well, today is the 20th of September 2014.

I can feel some gears turning. Can't think of anything particularly important today? Don't tire your brain out. Centuries ago, way back in 1519, it was on this very day that Ferdinand Magellan began his search for the Spice Islands. Am I beginning to make sense now? No? For those who don't know, I'm a Filipino. And this is me having my not-so-rare moments of over-thinking and over-analyzing what if questions.

What if Magellan hadn't gone on such quest? What if he hadn't found the Philippines? What if he and his ship had landed on some other Asian country? Would we have had been under the Spanish regime for so long? What kind of language would we be using now? What would our country be like? Would there still be so many Roman Catholics? Or would the entire nation be Islamic instead of just the Mindanao region? Who would our national hero be?

There are endless questions swirling around my head and all from just one question, "What if Magellan hadn't gone on such quest?" It seems that the entire culture of my country had changed in the hands of one man. I mean, sure, if it wasn't Magellan, someone else might have had come. Someone else surely would have had influenced our culture. But, it wasn't someone else. It was him. So, what if he hadn't? What if this country had remained pure and untouched by any outside entity?

I allow myself these possibilities and I see a country that's so unrecognizable I don't know if it could possible exist in this world. I see myself wearing native clothing- not in the line of "tapis" but simply clothing made from locally-produced materials. I hear myself speaking in a native tongue- so unfamiliar and foreign, yet so right. I imagine a country so enriched by its own colorful culture- it's fiestas, its traditions, its beliefs.

I mean, sure, paganism would probably be more pronounced but I believe that God would have had found another way to penetrate through the culture of this country. And, imagine living in a country that relied on its own and knew how to stand up for itself. A country that patronizes its own products instead of going after brand names and trying so hard to be in trend. A country that sticks to its distinctive traditions and customs instead of trying to bury these under the bland taste of mainstream materials.

It's wishful thinking. It's a dream, really. But what's so wrong with trying to imagine a nation that's distinct from the rest? Because, sometimes, when I look at this country- my home- I see nothing more than a second-grade, trying hard, copycat.

A bit harsh, I know. There may very well come a time in the near future that I regret writing this, but I'm feeling blue and this is how I feel.

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Hello. My Name Is.

"Tell me something about yourself."

Time and time again, this has proven to be one of the most challenging statements thrown at me. I mean, sure, I have a lot to say- my name, my age, my likes, my dislikes, my course, my dreams, my aspirations, my so-called accomplishments. But, it never really felt quite right to me.

I'd say my name. I'd give my age. Then, I'd find myself pausing and thinking, "Now, what?" What do people even mean when they ask you to say something about yourself? Are they asking you to define who you are? To put to words your entire being? Because I highly doubt that mentioning my petty likes and dislikes would accomplish that. Neither would my wishful thinking and almost-impossible dreams.

I could start talking about my ideals, my thoughts about the world. That seems closer to the goal but when I start the ball rolling on that, I'd never stop. Besides, that seems like setting yourself up to being the too-much-information girl. I could maybe share one of the life changing moments in my life. But, who does that?

In the end, I stare wide-eyed at that person and smile. Then, I state my likes and dislikes. Because really, how else do we answer questions like that? And, isn't that exactly how people see others, nowadays?

People think they know who you are when they know what you eat, what you drink, what you don't, what you watch, what you read, what your IQ is, what you placed in an exam, how much you have in your bank account. It's almost as though they believe such singular things could possibly measure up to who you are as a whole.

Exactly when did people start being nothing more than a few lines in a black and white paper? When did we start seeing human beings as nothing more than statistics? When did it become so easy to define who people are?

I'm not sure when all these things happened. I'm not sure why. But I am sure that I despise it. I am, with the entirety of my being, against it. Why? Because I am so much more than just a number. I am so much more than a mere collation of words. I am a being so complex and beautiful it would take more than a thousand years to decipher exactly who I am. And, this goes for each and everyone of us.

So, why? Why limit ourselves by mere words, by incomplete images?

Hi! My name is Doris Dayne. And, I'd like to know who you are.

Wednesday, September 3, 2014


What is your greatest fear? What are you most afraid of?

There are a lot to be frightened of in this world. Snakes. Spiders. Cockroaches. Ghosts. Killers. Death. Getting hurt. Falling. Heights. Failing. Stumbling. A lot. If one was to interview every single person on earth, I'm almost certain the list would include everything on earth. Because people are good at finding reasons to be scared of something. Of everything. People are good at finding excuses for limiting themselves.

And, that's what I'm scared of the most. That my fear in something insignificant would limit me. My greatest fear is fear, itself. Because fear, left unchecked, is crippling. Fear is what keeps you in your comfort zone. It boxes you in. It stops you from accomplishing things. It keeps you from being great!

It allows you to see your dreams come within reach but keeps you from actually getting it. Soon, it isn't only fear bearing down on you but regret, as well. Regret for not having courage. Hatred, directed at yourself, for not having been able to do anything. Hopelessness because you see no light at the end of the tunnel. In a bit, you'll be drowning in sorrow. And, all these is because of fear - fear in something you'll come to realize is insignificant.

That's just the way fear works. But, just who gave fear all this power? The answer is plain and simple. You.

Fear isn't actually bad. It's necessary. It reminds us that we're not untouched by death. It allows us to remember that we can get hurt. That we aren't invincible.

But, the moment we allow fear to enter our hearts, we allow it control over our lives. Because fear is not one to smile and mingle. It seizes the heart and all in it. It drains our courage, shoots down our ambition, beats our hope senseless, and tramples on our self confidence.

So, yes, fear is my greatest fear. But with this admission, I look fear in the eyes and laugh at it. Because I refuse to give it even a nanometer's space in my heart. I refuse to be brought down by my own doubts and hesitation. After all, fear is nothing without our own second thoughts and uncertainties.

Keep your fears close. Let it fuel you at your lowest. Let it remind you that you are human. But keep it far enough that it doesn't have access to your heart. Because there is greatness in each and every one of us. A greatness that is chained down and restrained by fear and doubt. A greatness that deserves to be seen.

We can all be great. We just need to stop our fears from hindering us.

Saturday, August 16, 2014

Church Bells and Wedding Bouquets


Her hands were sweaty. She was nervous. I could feel her hands tremble as they grip my stems, almost as though she was holding on to dear life and expecting me to give her the assurance she needed. The assurance that this life-long commitment was not a mistake. Her wide eyes searched my fully bloomed petals, glistening with water droplets.

I couldn't help but wonder when she would realize it. The simple fact that if she couldn't be sure of the man she was marrying after three long years of dating, then how much more could I? How could I possibly know when all I got was a glance of his dark hair before he was pushed out of the dressing room and reprimanded for trying to break wedding traditions.

Frankly, I don't get why it matters so much that a groom does not see his bride before the wedding. Nonetheless, they ruthlessly kicked him out before going back to dressing the bride up, fussing over the smallest of details. Details that were so minute, they could have had gone unnoticed by the guests anyway. It took them hours. I sat on the vanity for so long that I was afraid I would wilt before the ceremony even began. Forget suffering through a long and winding reception only to get ripped apart by the love-hungry bridesmaids, I wouldn't even survive to see the kiss!

But, here I was, in the sweaty hands of the bride, who I must grudgingly admit is gorgeous, as she stood before the full length mirror. And, while I have always been proud of my flawless white petals infused with the faintest of pink- now glistening after having just been sprayed with water and a chemical that makes me feel revitalized- I am nothing more than a fraction of her unearthly beauty. The agonizing hours of being prodded and poked was well worth it.

My world tilted suddenly and I later realized that she had shifted me to one hand, wiping the other on the side of her dress. She repeated this process for her other hand. I couldn't help but think that she should have just worn gloves. But it was too late to go looking for a pair now. She was being called in by an usher.

I can hear the marching music, like every note from the century-old organ was wrapping its way around me. And, I assume, around the bride. She was shaking more than before. I was afraid I'd start losing some petals but she got a hold of herself as soon as an old man approached her and tucked her arm in the crook of his older. Her father, I suppose. And, just like that, we were walking down the aisle.

Just when the slow and repetitive bobbing up and down was about to lull me to sleep, everything came to an abrupt stop. Smiling faces of old and young, men and women, froze. The music stop. Even the chirping outside seemed to stop. Everything went still. That was when I realized that the bride had frozen in the middle of her march down the aisle and I felt wet. Did I just pee on myself? Is that why she stopped? Did I freak her out?

The salty tang of the liquid got to me. Tears. She was crying. And, her lips were trembling- no, they were moving, uttering words. "Sorry." She was saying it over and over again. I couldn't be sure if she was trying to say it once for everyone in there- the devastated groom, her disappointed and confused father, the equally confused crowd of guests, the nodding father. If she was going to say one for each person there, it'd take forever. But she wasn't. She was building the courage to look at her groom one last time before turning around.

And, turn around she did. In a flurry of white, she was gone back down the aisle and out the doors. And, she left me there on the floor. But before I could even feel indignant, a sharp pain took over me. There was sudden darkness. I couldn't see. I couldn't feel anything beyond the pain. But I could smell the leather from the groom's shoe. Just as everything slowly faded away, I could hear him shouting her name.

**A product of Prompt # 341 of


What is the hardest thing to do?

To love? Of course not. Some would say that it's the easiest thing in the world. After all, just how hard could it be to fall? It's not. It can be painful, but not at all difficult.

To stay in love? To keep yourself in free fall for as long as you can. I imagine that can be difficult. Challenging, even. But not the hardest thing a man can accomplish.

To forgive. I know, I know. There are those who would say that this is easy enough to do. Some would even argue that swallowing one's pride and asking for forgiveness is more difficult. But, it's not. Because forgiveness is more than just uttering the words "I forgive you" or "It's okay" or even "I've already forgotten about it". Forgiveness is saying those words and meaning them.

So, to really and truly forgive someone is difficult. You have to forgive them from the heart and mind. And, that does not necessarily mean forgetting the act done against you. It means remembering the act and not feeling hurt, or angry, or betrayed. It means that no matter what happens in the future, you can't use that act against that person. No matter what you see or hear, you can't feel bitter or jealous. Because you've forgiven him/her.

And, that's difficult. Because when you forgive someone you tell yourself it's okay. That person didn't know any better. He or She didn't mean to hurt you. So, it's okay. But when someone hurt you through neglect and suddenly shows you that he or she knows how to care for someone, how could you not feel hurt? Because then, you start to think that maybe he or she did know better. And, maybe he or she did mean to hurt you. And, you feel hurt and betrayed all over again. Then, you realize, you've never really forgiven that person. All you did was bury all the painful memories and hope that they don't resurface. But, that doesn't work. Because memories like those will always resurface.

So, it's hard. Perhaps the hardest thing a person can do. Or maybe I just haven't learned how to do it yet. How does one manage that, anyway? How do you forgive? And, more importantly, how do you forgive the people you love the most? Because, really, the people you love are the ones who hurt you the most. And, these wounds are the hardest to heal. So, how do I do it?

Monday, July 21, 2014

Crush Zone

According to an article I read years ago, crushes are supposed to last for four months, at most. If you exceed this set period of time, you have most likely fallen in love with that person.

The thing is, I don't think that's true. I've had crushes that went beyond four months, reaching years even. But, I've not fallen in love with one of them. And, I probably never will. You see, I believe we need to know someone, at least to a certain degree, before we truly and completely fall for them. We need to get a sense of who they are as a person. We need to understand at least a portion of them. We need to have something to grab hold of.

But, crushes are just that. Crushes. More often than not, they're people we don't even get to talk to. They're just faces that pass us by often enough to be noticed. Characteristics we've drawn from small, insignificant gestures from a long ways away (because, let's face it, all of us become a bit stalkerish when it comes to our crushes). Personalities we made up. Images we daydreamed about.

We know their names. Their age, maybe. Their schedules. Their favorite hangouts. Hopefully, not their home address. Despite all these information, we don't really know who they are. And, that's okay. Because, deep down, we don't want to know who they really are. We're content with the ideal person we've made them up to be in our minds.

We don't want to get to know them. Not really. Because if we do, we'll realize they're not who we thought they were. They're not really our crush. They're nothing but the face to the perfect person we want for ourselves. And, compared to the image we've formed in your minds, they come nowhere close.

So, as much as we blush and squeal and get giddy when they're around, we don't go close enough to get to know them. Because they'll just shatter the illusion. So, we keep our distance and watch and imagine and pine. But that's it. And, in doing so, we outline the Crush Zone.


Yeah. So, the thought just came to me when I was hit by a question that has been directed at me millions of times ago.

"If *insert my crush's name here* returned your feelings and asked you out, what would you say?"

I've always said I wouldn't agree to it. I didn't know why, but I just didn't want to. Then, it hit me. Crush Zoned. It happens. Or, at least it happens to me. Anyone else?

Anyway, just like that, I have the plot for my next novel already mapping itself out in my head. Now, I just need to get my lazy self to actually start writing. ^^,

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Seth Alary

There's this man I knew from a long time ago. And, I'm quite certain you know him, too.

I can't say much about his physical appearance. There wasn't really much to say about it. He had a nondescript appearance- a common face and an unimpressive build. He looked so common, so part of the tapestry that I don't remember much about it. But, that's okay. Because I remember him not for what he looks like but for who he is.

He is that guy you never gave much attention to but was someone you could always count on. He's that selfless dude who would always put your best interests before his. The one who'd give up on his chance at achieving his dream just so he could help you meet your idol or something equally superficial.

He's the idiot who doesn't know his own self because he's so busy minding what others want him to be. He's the one who writes his parent's aspirations for him in his yearbook instead of his own. The one who has learned to ignore his own desires in favor of fulfilling that of someone else. The one who pleases everyone but himself.

All these because he's afraid. He's afraid of disappointing others. Afraid of not being good enough to meet their expectations. So, he loses his self - his own dreams, aspirations, opinions. He becomes who everyone wants him to be. Because, he thinks that when he achieves that then everyone will be happy. That he will be happy.

But, he won't be. He'll never be happy. Not through the way he chooses to live his life. Because he can't please everyone. He can't meet all expectations of him. He will disappoint some people. But it's not because he's not good enough. He is. He just needs to be his own person. To realize who he is and not who people want him to be. Because the key to finding happiness is finding one's self.

So, he needs to stop worrying about everyone and start worrying about himself. He needs to choose whose opinions matter and whose don't, to understand who are important to him and who aren't. He needs to follow his dreams and be true to himself.

I know all these because, at one point in my life, I was him. So were others. And, sadly, so are many others still.

His name is Seth Alary- that small part in all of us who fear being a disappointment and wants to please everyone.

Have you met him yet? Have you said goodbye? Or are you holding on to him, still?

*A product of Prompt # 205 of


So, here's a tagging game i got from my instructor's blog post [ONE MOVIE (From Director Joni Fontanos)]. It took me a while to answer all the questions since I tend to forget the specifics of the movies I've watched but here are my answers. Finally.

1. One movie that made you laugh.
* Ang Tanging Ina. I mean, for what other reason would you watch an Ai-Ai de las Alas movie if not for a few laughs?

2. One movie that made you cry.
* Four Sisters and a Wedding. I couldn't help it. I have four siblings and the truth in this drama-filled movie resonated deeply with my heart. In other words, relate na relate ako. Grabe!

3. One movie that you loved when you were a child.
* I don't know why, but the movie that first came to mind was Titanic. Weird, right? What was I doing watching something like that as a child? What happened to my childhood.??
I haven't had the chance to re-watch the film so I don't remember much of what happened. But, I still don't get why they couldn't have both survived.

4. One movie you've seen more than once.
* I honestly don't like watching movies I've seen before. It only irritates me since I remember exactly what would happen next. But, 3 Idiots is an exception. I have a feeling it will continue to touch my heart no matter how many times I watch it.
I liked the movie so much that I watched Aamir Khan (Ranchodas Chanchad)'s other movies. Among these was Taare Zameen Par which is about the struggles of a dyslexic child.

5. One movie you loved, but were embarrassed to admit.
* Burlesque. People get the wrong idea when I say burlesque.

6. One movie you hated.
* There are honestly too many to mention. But, this list consists mainly of Filipino movies that are either too cliche or feature young actors that can't act.

7. One movie that scared you.
*None. I'm easily taken by surprise but I don't get scared.

8. One movie that bored you.
* 127 Hours. It's pretty much about how this guy survives after getting his hand stuck under a rock during one of his adventures. He had to cut off his arm. It was bloody but boring. I did keep remembering this one episode from Happy Tree Friends where a similar event took place.

9. One movie that made you happy.
* Up. Because Russel is so cute! And, the absurdity of a flying house via thousands of balloons amuses me.

10. One movie that made you miserable.
* My Neighbor's Wife. It was simply idiotic. I didn't get the twisted logic they used for justifying cheating on their spouses repeatedly. It was just plain stupid. I don't even know why I watched this.

11. One movie you weren't brave enough to see.
* None.

12. One movie character you've fallen in love with.
* Jack Sparrow. Why, you ask? Well. He's a pirate!

13. The last movie you saw.
* My Name is Khan. Khan, from the epiglottis. It was awesome! And, true. It is sad how there is discrimination brought about by religion- something that should propagate love.

14. The next movie you hope to see.
*I don't know. Anything will do, I suppose. I like watching series more. Speaking of, I can't wait for Sherlock, Series 4.

I hope you guys continue the game by copying the items above and answering them. Post them on your status update, blog them, or how ever you wish. After doing so, tag a friend from any social media and hope these people play along.

Thursday, July 3, 2014

7 Reasons to Turn Down a Marriage Proposal

Because not every man who gets on one knee and pops open a velvet box gets what he wants. Here are some reasons why.

1. You don't love him.
I am a firm believer of marrying for love. And, while a marriage of convenience may be tempting, I've written, read and watched enough love stories to want it for myself. Besides, if you're going to be shackled to someone, it might as well be to someone you won't try to kill because of something trivial like snoring too loudly, or putting too much syrup in his pancakes, or watching too much football, or waking up too early, or laughing too heartily. Useless stuff like those. The point is,no matter how trivial these things are, if you spend a long enough period of time tolerating them, you'll find your annoyance grow into irritation and develop further into hatred.

2. He doesn't love you.
There are lots of reasons why men propose. He may do it because he loves you. Or maybe because he knocked you up. Or because you're rich. Or your parents are rich. Or his visa expired and he's about to get deported. If he's popping the question for reasons other than being completely and hopelessly in love with you, why say yes?

3. Timing.
Marriage isn't something you simply do with the right person. You have to do it with at the right time. Career. Family. Opportunities. There are a lot of things that could crowd up in your life that just makes it hard to start this serious a commitment. If you feel like there's too much happening at that moment in your life and you can't possibly add one more thing, then postpone. Being with the right person at the time is as devastating as being with the wrong person at the right time.

4. You're a bum.
Neither one of you has a job. You don't have your own house. You have no source of income. You're only hope is the kindness of your parents and the depth of their pockets. You'd have to be astronomically stupid to say yes.

5. You don't like the ring.
A bit superficial? Maybe. But still. Why would you agree to marry someone who doesn't even know you enough to know the type of ring you'd want to have around your finger for the rest of your life? This isn't about him getting you the most expensive ring on display. This is about him knowing and understanding who you are.

6. You're being pressured.
It's perfect. The candles. The flowers. The ring. The man. But, there's the crowd. And, in the moment following his question, all you hear is the fast beating of your heart and the drawn breath of the hundreds of people around you. You feel pressured. You need to say yes. But you shouldn't. I've always hated people who use a crowd to get you to do what they want. So, resist. Besides, if it was meant to be, you wouldn't have noticed other people. You should have had been drawn to him and nothing and no one else.

7. You're just the practice dummy.
He's the love of you life. He's kneeling before you. He has a ring in his hand. And, he just uttered the four magical words. But, he's not really asking you. Of course, not. Because you're not the girlfriend, just the best friend. And, he's just practicing on you. It's just role play. Don't get carried away. You'll only hurt yourself.

*A product of prompt # 296 of

Sunday, June 29, 2014

At First Sight

Everyone is so caught up with the idea of love at first sight. To look at a person for the first time and know, within the next few seconds, that he or she is The One. To just look that person in the eyes and feel electricity fizzle in the air. To have your heart beat so wildly with just the sight of his or her smile. To feel, with certainty, that you two were meant for each other. All these, with just a few seconds of shared look. This is love at first sight.

Wouldn't it be wonderful if it were that easy? To not have to go through the pain of lost and misplaced love. To not have to risk having your heart broken for just the chance at having what so many desire- true love. To be able to know whether he or she is your soul mate or not without having to go through the roller coaster of a relationship. To not have to waste time with the wrong person. To just look and know.

I never believed in love at first sight. It was ridiculous. I mean, if it was real, then why are there so many broken hearts and damaged souls in the world? I didn't believe. So, it came after me and showed me. It is real. To a point, at least.

I don't think it happens to everyone. But there comes a time when you meet someone and you feel this undeniably strong attraction towards him or her. Your heart beats faster than normal. You have this feeling in your gut that just tells you that this person is someone important. And, you start to think that he or she is The One. And, you believe. That was love at first sight. Or so you thought. But, is it really?

We all live our lives with an idea of who we want to be with, who we want to spend the rest of our lives with. We paint a picture in our heads. We make a list of attributes. We imagine. We day dream. We form an image. And, we hold on to that image. And, we use that image. Subconsciously, we end up comparing every potential interest we meet to that image we have in our heads. Times come when we meet someone who matches this image we have. In about eight seconds, we're so sure we're looking at The One. So sure that we're in love. Because, what more could it be than love at first sight?

Love is a strong word. Too strong to be taken lightly as is so commonly done in the notion of love at first sight. So, no. That is not love. But the attraction is there -too strong to be called nothing yet to flimsy to be called love. So we go with like. Like at first sight.

Thursday, June 26, 2014


What's the difference between a beggar and a mutilated beggar? Between a painter and a blind painter?

The former is physically fit while the latter is not. And, that changes everything.

Because, when you see the two beggars sitting side by side on the sidewalk, you would be more inclined to give alms to the mutilated beggar. And, when you see the work of the two painters, you would be more in awe of the blind artist than the "normal" painter, regardless of actual skill and talent.

Our society is one which judges with double standards. It is unacceptable for a man to be so stricken by poverty that he'd need to beg, yet it is only natural for a deaf man to do so. Because, really, it's simply unthinkable for a man not to be able to find a job in our current economy. Please note my sarcasm here.

Of course, I'm not saying that it's okay to beg. I'm actually a firm believer that everyone has been given what they need to succeed in life. They just need to want it enough and work hard for it. But, the point remains that there are differing standards between "normal" people and the physically disadvantaged ones.

A painter and a blind painter. While there remain to be objective critics, pit them against each other and the majority would say that the blind artist is better. Because, no skill or talent of the physically fit can compare to that of a man who had to overcome his disability in order to do what he does.

Do you see? The difference between ordinary people and the handicapped?

It's unfair!

People who cannot see, who cannot hear, talk, walk, or those who are missing limbs. They are labeled as handicapped. Disabled. Disadvantaged. And, because of these labels, they are given leniency in everything. But, really, doesn't that make us- the fit people- handicapped, too?

We need to reach greater heights to make something out of ourselves. Mistakes are unforgivable. Reaching bottom is disgraceful. We are judged by an entirely different scale. In doing so, are we not handicapped, too? Weighed down by harsher judgments? Crushed by greater expectations? Undervalued? Underappreciated? And, to a point, unrecognized?

Monday, June 23, 2014

Daydreaming. It Pays Off.

You know those days when you inexplicably feel down and nothing can make you feel better but gorging in sweets and coffee? Yeah. I was having one of those days. And, I couldn't, for the life of me, decide where I wanted to mope. Then, I thought of this one book cafe. It was not a place I frequented but I supposed that was the point. It meant that there was a lower possibility of me encountering unwanted people. So, I decided to go there.

I'd sit in a corner and eat sweets and have coffee. And, this guy would approach me with a lame joke but I'd laugh, anyway. Because I'd like that. I'd like that he'd noticed that I was in a bad mood. I'd like that he'd have the guts to walk up to me despite said mood. I'd like that he'd care enough about a stranger to go through the embarrassing act of delivering a lame joke just for a chance to make me smile.

I'd like all of these about him. So, by extension, I'd like him. Enough so that I would let him share the table with me. And, he'd entertain me with witty comments about the world. Because really, who doesn't want a playful banter about the workings of our society. Especially if in the process of doing so, you get to blame everyone else for your failures. And, you know you're wrong and that your failures are your fault alone. But, it doesn't matter. Because, slowly you feel better about yourself. All because of a stranger. A stranger who, you realize, has not bothered to give you a name.

And, so he extends his hand to you and opens his mouth to speak his moniker-

"Para po!" I called out to the driver, signalling that I was to get off.

The public utility jeepney screeched to a stop and I quickly got off, relieved that I had managed to snap out of my daydream just in time to get off in front of the book cafe.

Yes, daydream. I love to daydream. To stare off into space and lock myself in LaLa Land and just imagine all the things I want to happen in my life. Daydreaming happens to be one of my favorite past times. But the thing about daydreaming is that you never expect it to happen in real life.

So, imagine my surprise when, as soon as I reached the top step to the book cafe, I saw his familiar face. In an instant, I felt all my problems disappear. And, for the love of all that is holy, I couldn't stop myself from grinning from ear to ear. But, who could blame me?

So, I took a seat and waited. Because, really, all that needed to happen next was for him to approach me. He never did, though. But, that couldn't dampen my spirits at that time. After all, I felt like my day dreaming has drawn him to me, somehow. I might not have gotten what I wanted. I got a long-time crush instead of a stranger. And, that was so much better. So, yeah. Daydreaming. It pays off.

Saturday, June 21, 2014

Why Good Girls Love Bad Boys

1. Yin Yang

Opposites attract. This, despite the protests of some, is true. Heck, even science agrees with it. Positively-charged ions are attracted to negatively-charged ones. Only in this case, good girls are attracted to bad boys.
There is simply something about a person who is the exact opposite of who you are. You just can't help but be attracted to him/her. This tendency might be based on something as simple as curiosity. A good girl has, by definition, never stepped a foot outside the zone of all that is right and by the law. She knows nothing about the life and ways of a bad boy. And, so, when she meets one, she cannot help but be drawn in by the mystery of it all.

2. Freedom
You remember looking at Ms. Goody Two Shoes and thinking, "Wow, her life must be so boring." And you know what, you just might have been right. Her life might really be boring. Well, dull and mundane might be better ways of saying it. But really, there doesn't seem to be much a good girl is allowed to do. She lives restricted not only by the law but by norms and expectations and other binding rules. And, as the chains wrap tighter and tighter around her, her need and desire to break free only grows stronger. Just imagine the temptations and possibilities a bad boy offers!

3. Fixers Fix Broken Things

Good girls are fixers.

And, fixers think they can fix broken things.

Unfortunate as it may seem, bad boys are listed under said "broken things". Apparently, bad boys are simply good boys that have been broken by circumstances in their past.

4. Alternative Drug

Skipping classes.
Riding motorcycles.
Jumping off cliffs (and into cold, turgid waters, of course).
Breaking the law.
Each of these is an adrenaline-inducing activity leading to adrenaline rush. The sudden release of chemicals that causes your brain to overdrive. Harmless. I know that's how it may seem. But, just look at what happened to Bella.

5. Change

They say change is the only constant in the world. It is inevitable.
So, maybe good girls are just waiting for a change. And, maybe they're too afraid to start it themselves so they need someone braver to trigger it for them.

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

The One who Loved and Cared More

In every relationship, someone would always love and care for the other more.

I'm not here to prove or disprove this statement. There's just no point to it. It's the truth- plain and simple. And, that's okay. Really, it's fine. That is, until you wake up one morning and realize that you're that sucker. Well, some people will say that it's okay for them not to have their feelings reciprocated. But, really, just how long will that be okay?

Just how much pain is the heart capable of taking before it breaks? They say the heart is stronger than we give it credit for. But, surely, it still has limits? After all, that is the only way I can put what I am going through. My heart has reached its limits. And, rightly so, as my brain would agree. Apparently, the greater strength of the heart is accompanied by greater stupidity. That's why the heart and the brain almost always disagree.

Anyway, I find myself hanging on by the edge of a cliff. I feel the pain as I struggle to keep hold. I feel the wounds of past such encounters. I see the scars. Yet, when I peer up and try to see the one thing that has kept me fighting to hold on, I see nothing. I see no point to this struggle, to this pain, to this sacrifice.

It is at this time that I ask myself the questions I have ignored before. Why am I doing this? What do I seek to achieve by putting up such masochistic efforts? For whom/what am I doing this? Is it still worth it? Had it ever been worth it?

These questions fill my mind and I can give no satisfactory answer. So, I close my eyes and let go. And, as the darkness of the abyss embraces me, I slowly smile.

I may not know what's waiting for me at the bottom, but I do know that I'm not that sucker anymore.

Thursday, April 3, 2014

To You

Having the one person you hold responsible for what you have become deny having had any such influence on you is annoying. Having that person do so while informing you of your emotional immaturity and lack of EQ goes beyond irritating and borders the need to commit mass murder.

But murder is illegal, and giving in to the temptation to wring your neck just for the satisfaction of watching the life drain from your eyes is not worth knowing deep down that you had yet again gained much power and control over me. Besides, the prisons here aren't exactly known for their accommodating facilities.

 My disgust at the state of the local jail and the less than appealing inmates kept me from acting on impulse and so I gritted my teeth and listened to the rest of the sermon. Plus, there’s also the small fact that I might have had been unfair in blaming you for everything.

I’m tired. Tired of keeping score on who has done the other more wrong. Tired of pretending to be in control of my life when the entire world knows I’m not. Tired of trying to attain the ever elusive happiness I've only ever heard of. Tired of telling myself that I am better than you. Tired of hating you.

Because I do hate you. I've hated you for as long as I can remember. It’s hard for me to remember when I loved you. But I know I once did. For the hatred that courses through my veins at the smallest indication of your presence only proves that I loved you long before, and immensely at that. But all the love had gone and, for the longest of times, all I felt for you was hatred and disgust.

Now, I’m ready to let it all go.

It isn't healthy to hold on to such feelings. To clutch such poison to one’s heart. I realize that now. It ate me up and made me as rotten as I saw you to be.

And, now, I don't like myself any more than I liked you.

And, the hating begins again. I hate myself. I hate you for making me like this.

Hate is such a sneaky little thing. It makes one quite the idiot.

Well, I’ll have none of that now.

I don’t know any better way of eradicating hatred than through forgiveness. So…

I forgive you. For all the words that were too harsh for my young ears. For all the expectations that were too high for my naïve self. For all the unwarranted responsibilities shoved unto my yet incapable shoulders. For the neglect I felt. For the battles I had to fight on my own.

I forgive you. Because, maybe,… I, too, expected too much for you. I, too, was too harsh to approach. I, too, was too old for my own incapability, immaturity and weakness. Perhaps, I thought that the longer I remained a child, the more time you'd have to turn around and give me the care and tender love I perceived to be the only form of a mother's love. But, of course, that was wrong and quite stupid of me.

So, I forgive you. Because you weren't the only one at fault. Because it's about time I came to terms with these things. Because it's time I allowed myself to love who I've become.

And, I’m sorry. For the disrespect I used to deal back all the hurt I felt. For the uncaring attitude I wore as my armor. For my tongue that became hard as steel and fast in inflicting wounds. For the stubbornness that ultimately lead to immaturity. For hating without trying to understand.

 I've held on to my hatred for so long. I feel that it's partly because of my fear that if I let go, there would be nothing left. I'd be numb. But, I guess, that isn't the case.

For how can one feel nothing for the woman instrumental to his/her coming into the world? How could one feel nothing for his/her mother?

Saturday, February 22, 2014

Living Double Lives

Humans are naturally greedy people. We want for many things in life - shoes, clothes, money, and properties. We each have many dreams and aspirations, hopes and wishes. We long for a variety of things in life so different that we ultimately want many versions of our selves.

And, that's what we do. Whether we realize this or not, we each live double lives. For some, they even juggle around three, four or five lives.

I am a female (certainly not a girl but too brutish to be a lady and too immature to be a woman) of varied interests. And, I live five separate lives.

I am a Mathematician and Scientist. One who lives with an inquisitive mind and an unquenchable thirst for knowledge. I breathe math and science.

I am an Artist. I draw. I doodle. I sketch. I paint. I procrastinate.

I am a Daughter. The youngest of three but still carry the same amount of responsibility and loyalty toward a highly dysfunctional family.

I am a Friend. That one person you can expect to drop everything just so she can be by your side in your time of need. That person whom you can rely on as the voice of reason. That person who'll stand by you, regardless of which side you're on.

Living multiple lives leave you with way too many things to do. But, life is all about knowing your priorities. And, while this may not make sense to others- certainly not to my family, I push aside everything and pick up my pen and paper.

Today, I choose to be a Writer.