You get angry. You lash out. You throw things around. You say things- things that may be true, things that may not be, either way they are things meant to hurt us. You pretend to be strong, standing all by yourself, but your solitary image just looks pitiful from where I stand. I know better than to believe the brave face you put on. Years of having one-sided conversations with you have taught me that you are far more vulnerable than you'd like to admit. I know because I listened. Now, if only you knew how to do that. If only you did not allow a mere number like age become such a great divide between us.
You are the woman who never asked me how I was doing no matter how dreadful I must have looked. And, so you are a woman we never asked about because by never asking us that question, you never gave us permission to ask it of you. You live on pride and you believe in a rigid hierarchy. So much so that asking that simple question can be misconstrued as an affront to you. Regardless, I know how you are doing. Or, at least, I know as much as what I can glean from your actions, your words and the feelings you try to hide.
You are the woman whose silent cries move me to tears even if my own tears never seemed to move you. Life is harsh, with numerous obstacles in the way. Humans were not made to live life alone. Yet, you seem to keep trying to do this. You boast about the things you've managed to do on your own and claim that you need no one. But in the solitude of your room, you hunch your back- weighed down by the world- and shed quiet tears. I am sorry. I understand your struggles but I cannot share them. Our inability to level with each other makes it impossible to share burdens. And, in the end, I struggle tremendously under the weight of your accusations of my indifference, the pressure to make something of the life you so "generously" gave to me, and my own need to become who I was meant to be.
You are the woman who never says 'sorry' and 'thank you' but always forces those words from us. What has the world come to that now gratitude and remorse are things that are demanded from people? Are these not feelings that need to be born of sincerity? We've argued this to you, of course, but you just raised your voice higher as if being louder means you are right. Do you not hear the contempt behind the words we grudgingly mutter? Have you become that indifferent or do you just not know sincerity? Humans are imperfect. Everyone makes mistakes. But you never admit to yours because you believe that to fulfill your role you must be irreproachable. I keep saying that you are not, but I don't get to say that, do I? Because I am lower than you.
You are a woman whose self-centered words make your selfless acts meaningless. You insist you are self-sacrificing, yet in every opportunity you get you demand that we pay you back for the career you could have had, the blissful single life you could have enjoyed. You say you did everything for us in the same breath that you admit that you wish we hadn't been born. You are lost in your own pool of regrets and, with no one else to blame, you blame us. You say I am a child- ignorant of the world. But I know this thing- they are not really sacrifices if you have to keep demanding us for the cost of what you lost. And so, your continuous nagging make it almost impossible for me to feel grateful to you.
You are a narcissitic perfectionist. You need everything to be perfect and done in the way you would do it- because in your mind, your way is the best way. You have so much confidence in yourself- your abilities, your knowledge. You think you are superior to everyone. It must be the god complex doctors have. So, you micromanage everything and then claim that you are exhausted, not realizing that it was you who overexerted yourself. You don't realize the difference between things you must do and things you do because you cannot bear to see someone else do it in a "substandard" way. If only you can let go of the reins just a little bit, you would not feel as weary as you look.
You are the woman who, according to this blasted thing called a birth certificate, is my mother but I never felt that you were one. You are my biological mother but you did not raise me. Based on conventional roles, I would label you more as a father- the provider, the disciplinarian. Regardless, I am connected to you by a bond I cannot sever. It is a curious connection. After all, it is one that demands that I love you even before I was old enough to utter the word. But it does not make me automatically like you.
You are the woman I am most indebted to. In my calm and composed state, I am able to recognize all the things that you have gone through for us and I will always be grateful for that. But when you speak to me and you say things you need to say to feel better about yourself, I can feel bits and pieces of myself being chipped off. You make me feel small to make yourself feel strong. You make me doubt my self-worth to reinforce yours. And, until we can talk on the same level and come to an understanding, I can never like you.
In the end, all I want to say is that I love you. Neither one of us is perfect and I know that. I'm waiting for the time that you acknowledge that, too. I will always love you. But, I need to love myself, too. You know all the chinks in my armor and you insist on shooting at them. You so easily break down the barriers I thought were impenetrable. So, I'll go far away from you. Because distance is my last defense. I will keep loving you from afar because that is the only way I can also still love myself.
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Friday, October 21, 2016
Sunday, August 2, 2015
Split Second Choices and Lasting Consequences
Have you ever had one of those moments where you lost all common sense for the smallest fraction of a second only to be bombarded by a magnitude of guilt the next second? To the point that you regret the moment you were even born?
I heard the alarm bells in my head even as I made that fatal decision. But even then, it was already too late. It was one of those moments where panic and fear seizes your heart so strongly that you abandon your morality and sense of responsibility. It was the kind of decision that leads to sleepless nights and hopeless mornings.
I panicked. But that in itself is an excuse. Even now, a small part of my heart whispers to me, chiding me for being a coward. I was afraid. I feared the consequences of my mistake and in my fear I had inevitably committed a graver sin. How's that for stupidity?
But in cases like these, where you do something to cover up a mistake, what are you supposed to do? It was a sin committed against God, an offense against my superior, and an insult to my integrity. Was I supposed to ignore the prickling of my consciense and swallow my principles just so I could escape this circumstance unscathed? Wouldn't that be cowardice? I didn't want to be a coward. Ironic, isn't it? Wasn't it my cowardice that got me in this situation in the first place?
If I confessed to my sin, there was a chance that I would lose all the work I've put into the last three years of my life. If I didn't, they probably wouldn't even notice it and everything will go on smoothly. In the end, it became a war between my worldly self and my morally upright self. How wonderful would it have had been if I could have had been able to put a mute on the warring voices in my head and pretend that nothing happened? The thing is, I heard them.
As an answer to my desperate prayers for guidance, I ended up watching a Korean drama(Who Are You, School Series 2015) that featured a similar circumstance. The teacher reminded his student that when you make a mistake and you choose not to put it to right, you might not suffer any immediate consequences but you might lose the ability to tell right from wrong. The words were nothing but simple facts but they resounded in my heart, reminding me of what I already knew. To seal the deal, the friend who recommended the series to me gave a solid advice.
"If you're stuck between two difficult choices, always choose to do the right thing."
I admitted my mistake to my superior. I had to wait over a week to hear the verdict. But I was able to rest relatively well, bar my discomfort over my superiors knowing about my blunder. I was not dismissed but was dealt a greater deal of consequence than I would have had been given had I not panicked in the first place.
Still, I learned what it truly means to take responsibility. I've proven that despite my half-heartedness in my course, I respect it enough that I could not allow myself to finish it by cheating myself and my superiors. I was reminded that there are things more important than a clean record, than pride, than reputation.
My words may be vague and confusing but let me be clear about my message. It's okay to make mistakes. It's okay to be tempted to do wrong. It's okay to succumb to temptation. We are human. But let us not allow ourselves to lose our humanity by choosing to ignore our conscience.
Is your moral compass still functional?
I heard the alarm bells in my head even as I made that fatal decision. But even then, it was already too late. It was one of those moments where panic and fear seizes your heart so strongly that you abandon your morality and sense of responsibility. It was the kind of decision that leads to sleepless nights and hopeless mornings.
I panicked. But that in itself is an excuse. Even now, a small part of my heart whispers to me, chiding me for being a coward. I was afraid. I feared the consequences of my mistake and in my fear I had inevitably committed a graver sin. How's that for stupidity?
But in cases like these, where you do something to cover up a mistake, what are you supposed to do? It was a sin committed against God, an offense against my superior, and an insult to my integrity. Was I supposed to ignore the prickling of my consciense and swallow my principles just so I could escape this circumstance unscathed? Wouldn't that be cowardice? I didn't want to be a coward. Ironic, isn't it? Wasn't it my cowardice that got me in this situation in the first place?
If I confessed to my sin, there was a chance that I would lose all the work I've put into the last three years of my life. If I didn't, they probably wouldn't even notice it and everything will go on smoothly. In the end, it became a war between my worldly self and my morally upright self. How wonderful would it have had been if I could have had been able to put a mute on the warring voices in my head and pretend that nothing happened? The thing is, I heard them.
As an answer to my desperate prayers for guidance, I ended up watching a Korean drama(Who Are You, School Series 2015) that featured a similar circumstance. The teacher reminded his student that when you make a mistake and you choose not to put it to right, you might not suffer any immediate consequences but you might lose the ability to tell right from wrong. The words were nothing but simple facts but they resounded in my heart, reminding me of what I already knew. To seal the deal, the friend who recommended the series to me gave a solid advice.
"If you're stuck between two difficult choices, always choose to do the right thing."
I admitted my mistake to my superior. I had to wait over a week to hear the verdict. But I was able to rest relatively well, bar my discomfort over my superiors knowing about my blunder. I was not dismissed but was dealt a greater deal of consequence than I would have had been given had I not panicked in the first place.
Still, I learned what it truly means to take responsibility. I've proven that despite my half-heartedness in my course, I respect it enough that I could not allow myself to finish it by cheating myself and my superiors. I was reminded that there are things more important than a clean record, than pride, than reputation.
My words may be vague and confusing but let me be clear about my message. It's okay to make mistakes. It's okay to be tempted to do wrong. It's okay to succumb to temptation. We are human. But let us not allow ourselves to lose our humanity by choosing to ignore our conscience.
Is your moral compass still functional?
Tuesday, June 16, 2015
What are friends for?
It's a simple question. And, I have a simple answer to it that might offend most- if not all- of you. So, before I go off defending myself, let's start with a simpler question. What are friends? That should be easy enough to answer. Or, at least it should be, considering that we've been going around making friends since we were in diapers. But, then, everything was simpler when we were younger. Now? Not so much.
Friend. A textbook definition would be a person who is in good terms with another. That seems straight-forward enough, right? But then we got older and we began to realize that there are people we were in good terms with but hold at a distance. The simple motion of saying 'Hi' and agreeing on your favorite TV show is no longer enough to consider this stranger a friend. We began to be more picky about the people we hand that title to. We began to distinguish between acquaintances, friends, close friends and all those fun circles. And, with this complication in judging our relationships with other people, we began to build up greater expectations from friends. We began to demand more while not necessarily giving more. We began to throw around suffocating chains without considering whether the level of attachment is mutual.
As years go by, we realize just how huge this world is. We meet more and more people. We are exposed to more and more types of personalities. And, at the same time, we grow, develop and change. Our perspective of life shifts. Our priorities are rearranged. Our beliefs are challenged. Yet, somehow, our friends are still the same -in the sense that they are the same existence but not necessarily the same people. After all, time has changed them, too. This is the thing we have a hard time understanding. We become so caught up with ourselves that we forget that the things that have changed us may have changed them, too. But experiences, even if they're the same, does not mold any two persons the same way. So we are stuck in a group of people we once held close to our hearts but no longer relate to. The sad thing is, we begin to demand that they remain compatible to who we have become. We expect them to compromise themselves to fit our needs and wants. But, of course, that wouldn't work. Not in the long run, at least. And, within the wreckage, we realize one thing: that friendship never stood a chance, not with the way we handled it.
Time changes us. We grow. And, sometimes, we just grow apart. It's nobody's fault. It just happens. But, even in these cases, I see no reason to feel sad. All things come to an end. All you can do is wish for that friend to find happiness among new companions and for you to have the same. There is no need to mourn for the loss of a friendship, after all, those good memories of better times will remain untainted. And, when things settle down and when you're in a clearer state of mind, you can revisit those moments with your friend. And, you'll have fun but you'll know deep inside that parting ways- no matter the manner it was done- was the right decision.
Friendship is a relationship founded on common ground but strengthened by accepting your differences. But there are times when those differences create a gap so wide that it can't be bridged over by any compromise. It's just a matter of acknowledging this and learning when to let go.
Okay, so yeah. Maybe that wasn't as easy a question to answer as I thought it was. And, I'm pretty sure there are a lot of people who disagree with my perspective but since I'm on a roll, let's keep going. What are friends for? Hearing the echoes of my words, it seems as though I'm saying that friends are nothing but companions you keep around until they're no longer useful to you. In a way, that's true. Now if only I can figure out a more eloquent way of saying that.
Friendship is a give and take relationship. And, when you can no longer give what the other needs or when that other person can no longer give what you need, then it's only logical to call it quits. That just sounds so clinical, so detached, that I'm starting to wonder how I even still have friends. But it is the reality we live in. Or, for your sake, I hope it is the reality you live in. Because when a relationship has long passed its due date but you continue to maintain it, you will realize sooner or later that it is doing you more harm than good.
Friends are there to support you, to encourage you, to empathize with you, and, when necessary, to push you to action. They are those great beings who can help you go beyond what you assumed to be your limits. And, in return, you do these things for them, too. The thing is, we don't always want to share all our moments to all our friends. It's disgusting to admit it but there are some friendships we enjoy in moments of triumph and some friendships we nurture in moments of despair. We are all constantly changing. We're going through life in different ways. And, that doesn't always allow us the ability to accommodate our friends' needs at all times nor are they always able to accommodate us. But, sometimes, it's just the difference in personalities that limits us from being able to live through all phases of life together with them. So, we choose what moments we want to share with whom. This may build distance between us and our friends but it's better than losing them altogether. Unless, of course, we happen to be lucky enough to find the Cristina to our Meredith, then all this is moot. Because that friendship was a match made in heaven.
Some will consider my words as downright rude and insulting but I believe it holds merit. And, I'm pretty sure that some people think that I'm a user. I don't think I am. But if believing in all of these makes me one, then I guess that's what I am.
Friday, June 5, 2015
Sheldon Cooper
I hope the creators of the Big Bang Theory will forgive me
for using one of their characters in this rant of mine. If you haven’t watched
the show, I recommend that you try doing so. It has that unique ability to make
you feel dumb and smart at the same time. People who watch the show will
understand. ;)
It’s kind of funny, watching these geniuses deal with
everyday life as it is upturned by the presence of “average”-minded friends. To
be honest, I think the most “normal” out of them is Leonard. But, it’s Sheldon
Cooper whom I find myself relating to the most. And, before someone bashes me
for claiming to be a genius, I’d like to clarify that it is his quirkiness that
I relate to. And, just like Seth Alary, I think there’s a bit of Sheldon Cooper
in each of us, no matter how small or big that bit might be.
So, let me tell you a bit about my interpretation of Sheldon Cooper. I ask the avid fans of the show to forgive me if I had somehow misinterpreted his character, considering that I'm a few seasons behind. Anyway, the thing that I keep remembering about Sheldon is how picky he is with his seat. In their apartment, there's only one spot he is comfortable sitting at and he insists on sitting there despite the changing circumstances. And, it's always fun to watch him struggle to find a similarly comfortable seat whenever he finds himself in a new setting.
Now, I may not be as picky as him but I think I almost am. I've walked out of several restaurants and cafes just because my usual spot was taken or because I couldn't decide on a seat that I'd be comfortable in. Finding that perfect spot is just so difficult! I mean, you have to consider things like the distance to the emergency exit. Or the vantage point- because a huge part of being a writer is people watching and so I like to be in corners where I can see everything. Yup, I'm the creepy girl you sometimes notice in the corner booth who blankly stares at you while you eat. Anyway, there's also sunlight, wind, access to CR and all those stuff I'm sure "normal" people don't really bother with. If it wouldn't be so weird, I'd test out all the seats in the cafe before settling on one, but it is weird so I end up letting my companions decide where we sit.
In relation to this annoying trait is his inability to or difficulty in adapting to situations. He has those moments when things don't go according to his plan and his eye twitches, like when someone unexpected joins them for dinner or when his usual order in the restaurant isn't available. The thing about this is, I can't decide whether it's a matter of being obsessive-compulsive or if it's all about the need to feel in control. The two has always felt connected to me. I have a tendency to be OC. I mean, if you see my room you wouldn't think so but there is an order to things and it annoys me when it isn't followed. But, I think this OC tendency stems from a need to feel a semblance of control over things in life. Because, as most of you would understand, so many things in life just feel so volatile, so out of reach, so out of our control. And, more often than not, I feel like I'm just being driven through life by external forces. And, I don't like that feeling. I don't think anybody would.
Most people probably find better ways of handling this need for control but the need is there. In everyone. I think. People just find other ways of dealing with it instead of going ballistic every time things get out of hand.
Like BDSM. Heh.
So, let me tell you a bit about my interpretation of Sheldon Cooper. I ask the avid fans of the show to forgive me if I had somehow misinterpreted his character, considering that I'm a few seasons behind. Anyway, the thing that I keep remembering about Sheldon is how picky he is with his seat. In their apartment, there's only one spot he is comfortable sitting at and he insists on sitting there despite the changing circumstances. And, it's always fun to watch him struggle to find a similarly comfortable seat whenever he finds himself in a new setting.
Now, I may not be as picky as him but I think I almost am. I've walked out of several restaurants and cafes just because my usual spot was taken or because I couldn't decide on a seat that I'd be comfortable in. Finding that perfect spot is just so difficult! I mean, you have to consider things like the distance to the emergency exit. Or the vantage point- because a huge part of being a writer is people watching and so I like to be in corners where I can see everything. Yup, I'm the creepy girl you sometimes notice in the corner booth who blankly stares at you while you eat. Anyway, there's also sunlight, wind, access to CR and all those stuff I'm sure "normal" people don't really bother with. If it wouldn't be so weird, I'd test out all the seats in the cafe before settling on one, but it is weird so I end up letting my companions decide where we sit.
In relation to this annoying trait is his inability to or difficulty in adapting to situations. He has those moments when things don't go according to his plan and his eye twitches, like when someone unexpected joins them for dinner or when his usual order in the restaurant isn't available. The thing about this is, I can't decide whether it's a matter of being obsessive-compulsive or if it's all about the need to feel in control. The two has always felt connected to me. I have a tendency to be OC. I mean, if you see my room you wouldn't think so but there is an order to things and it annoys me when it isn't followed. But, I think this OC tendency stems from a need to feel a semblance of control over things in life. Because, as most of you would understand, so many things in life just feel so volatile, so out of reach, so out of our control. And, more often than not, I feel like I'm just being driven through life by external forces. And, I don't like that feeling. I don't think anybody would.
Most people probably find better ways of handling this need for control but the need is there. In everyone. I think. People just find other ways of dealing with it instead of going ballistic every time things get out of hand.
Like BDSM. Heh.
Tuesday, April 28, 2015
The Ups and Downs of Being a Filipino: On Respect
One of my greatest complaints about being a Filipino is the rule of the society dictating that age begets respect. Ridiculous! Don't get me wrong. Having been raised in the Philippines by Filipino citizens (though, I should make it clear that I'm not a pure Filipino) resulted in that "lesson" being ingrained into my mind whether I agreed with it or not. And, I understand the sentiment. The Philippines is a country that believes that with age comes wisdom. It is a country that revers the elderly for their wisdom. But more than that, it supposedly puts the elderly on a higher pedestal in recognition of where they had come from. After all, how could one person come onto the Earth without his/her parents? I understand all these things. And, I do respect people who are older than me. I just happen to have different kinds of respect.
Being forced by societal laws and institutional rules, I had been forced to differentiate respect. Respect comes in many forms but for the purpose of this post, I'll be referring to only two- respect that has been required of you and respect that has been earned. I have a certain degree of respect toward people older than me because their age calls for it. I respect my instructors, my boss, people higher up the food chain because their authority over me calls for it. But there is respect that is earned. And this is the respect that I hold for people who have, through their integrity, their intelligence, and their character, convinced me that they are deserving of it. I know it might reflect badly on me to say this, but very few people have earned my respect. Or, at least, they are very few compared to the hundreds who have made the mistake of demanding respect from me.
I don't get it. I had learned at a very young age that respect is one of the things that can never be bought by money nor taken by force. So, why is it that so many people still don't understand this concept? And, more frustrating is the fact that people can't differentiate between respect that has been grudgingly been given due to societal demand and respect that has been earned. There's also the consideration you have to give when in a work place. Do you still defer to societal laws when within an institution which recognizes a different hierarchy of authority? How does a younger boss deal with insubordination from an older employee(But at this point, I should probably ask if it's actually possible for this scenario to happen when I suspect that government institutions usually base promotions on the age of the employee)? How does a younger subordinate deal with an older authority who is in the wrong? Does the younger one defer to the older person and, in the process, compromise not just his principles but also the quality of their work? What happens when the younger person decide to value quality of work over the chain of command? And in the indignation that follows such insubordination what marks the difference between outrage due to disrespect and wrath due to wounded pride?
Okay, yeah. This is me ranting about a personal problem again. The thing is, I have a constant frustration with people who act like their position and their age transform them into perfect beings who can't possibly be wrong about anything. At this point, I don't even know if I should be complaining about undue respect or about man's pride. But I suppose the issue at hand can be explained by my loss of respect for people who put pride before the quality of work, especially for those who use age as an excuse to belittle and disregard people like me.
---
So, I was thinking of starting a series on what it's like to be a Filipino. Since the first post for this series is about the Downs, I guess I'll have to make up for it with a lot more Ups. After all, being a Filipino is also kinda awesome.
Being forced by societal laws and institutional rules, I had been forced to differentiate respect. Respect comes in many forms but for the purpose of this post, I'll be referring to only two- respect that has been required of you and respect that has been earned. I have a certain degree of respect toward people older than me because their age calls for it. I respect my instructors, my boss, people higher up the food chain because their authority over me calls for it. But there is respect that is earned. And this is the respect that I hold for people who have, through their integrity, their intelligence, and their character, convinced me that they are deserving of it. I know it might reflect badly on me to say this, but very few people have earned my respect. Or, at least, they are very few compared to the hundreds who have made the mistake of demanding respect from me.
I don't get it. I had learned at a very young age that respect is one of the things that can never be bought by money nor taken by force. So, why is it that so many people still don't understand this concept? And, more frustrating is the fact that people can't differentiate between respect that has been grudgingly been given due to societal demand and respect that has been earned. There's also the consideration you have to give when in a work place. Do you still defer to societal laws when within an institution which recognizes a different hierarchy of authority? How does a younger boss deal with insubordination from an older employee(But at this point, I should probably ask if it's actually possible for this scenario to happen when I suspect that government institutions usually base promotions on the age of the employee)? How does a younger subordinate deal with an older authority who is in the wrong? Does the younger one defer to the older person and, in the process, compromise not just his principles but also the quality of their work? What happens when the younger person decide to value quality of work over the chain of command? And in the indignation that follows such insubordination what marks the difference between outrage due to disrespect and wrath due to wounded pride?
Okay, yeah. This is me ranting about a personal problem again. The thing is, I have a constant frustration with people who act like their position and their age transform them into perfect beings who can't possibly be wrong about anything. At this point, I don't even know if I should be complaining about undue respect or about man's pride. But I suppose the issue at hand can be explained by my loss of respect for people who put pride before the quality of work, especially for those who use age as an excuse to belittle and disregard people like me.
---
So, I was thinking of starting a series on what it's like to be a Filipino. Since the first post for this series is about the Downs, I guess I'll have to make up for it with a lot more Ups. After all, being a Filipino is also kinda awesome.
Sunday, April 26, 2015
The Secret Recipe to High Grades
What is success? Success comes in a lot of forms, I suppose. In worldly views, it can be achieving financial security, being the top in your field, winning the lotto, even. But I believe it's really all about finding happiness. But what is happiness? I say it's a choice. I know that comes with some explaining and there's a lot I want to say about that but that's not the point of this post. The point is that, people view many different things as success. One of these, I've come to learn, is having high grades (A completely ridiculous notion since the grading system and exams are such ineffective ways to measure intelligence or mastery of skill, but that's something I'll get into some other time, too).
The thing is, I apparently have a knack for scoring relatively high in exams. I apologize if that sounded arrogant. The thing is, I've had many people come up to me and ask me how I do it. How do I do it? Doesn't that sound weird, like it's some kind of magic trick I pull every time we have to sit for an exam. Though, I suppose my non-committal shrug and close-mouthed smiles don't really help clarify the situation. This is also something that's been weighing on my mind. In my quest to diffuse any unnecessary attention toward me, it seems that I've become quite the ungrateful beneficiary. So, how do I do it? Well, I'm finally prepared to answer that question.
Let's start with the most basic, shall we? Review. And, when I say review, I mean re-view. There's a huge difference between reviewing and re-learning. It's a fairly basic thing but it's something many people seem to miss. Imagine this, exams are just a few days away and you're stressing yourself up trying to cram in every single line on a 600-page book. Would you really be so surprised that after all that you fail your exam? I'm not a neurologist but I don't really need to be one to tell you that putting that much stress on your brain doesn't really help with memory retention. But, I still see people crunching through books and stacks of hand outs like it's their first time seeing those notes and encountering those topics. The week before exams isn't the time for you to be learning everything in your syllabus. That's what you have the rest of the term for. What else have you been doing in the many hours of lecture that you haven't learned anything? Listen in class. That way, when exam week is nearing, all you have to do is re-view. As in, refresh your memory. But there won't be much to refresh if you have no memory because you were too busy texting your boyfriend or chatting away with your seatmate.
Understand the literature, don't simply memorize it. I know going down to the itty, gritty details and understanding the mechanism behind what your learning might mean that you'll be needing more time to cover your scope but it's a lot more effective than memorizing. Good professors know how to ask questions that measure how you understood the concepts they've been teaching you. There are, however, some who like to randomly point at their book and ask questions about whatever their finger lands on. And, yeah, maybe memorizing everything will make answering those kinds of questions easier but there's a different quality that you attain when you understand what you're studying instead of just having memorized a string of words or numbers in your head.
Take it easy on yourself. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to tell you to get lazy. I don't want to be mobbed for giving advice that might end up with y'all getting lower grades than before. The thing is, I believe that the mind works better when it is well rested. So, forget about burning the midnight oil (or something like that, I never understood the phrase). Review your lessons and have a restful sleep. And, stop panicking that sleeping on whatever you've reviewed would mean you'd forget them. You have better memory than that. Pressuring yourself and stressing over what score you'll have doesn't help either. I say this for before and after taking your exam. I don't understand the people who can't stop talking about the exam they just took. When you're done, you're done. There's nothing more you can do about it. Except, of course, build a time machine. But I doubt that'll help. Time machines are still a ways from us and if ever successful it will only possibly be able to jump through time in the forward motion. Getting off topic here, sorry. Anyway, the bottom line is to relax. I actually take naps after every few globs of studying. You know when you feel like your head is about to explode after a few pages? Yeah. I call that information overload and I take a few minutes to nap it off. It helps with memory retention, too. There are scientific articles that will back me up. Google it.
Now, at this point, I feel like many of you will be rolling your eyes at me and telling me that you already knew all of this. Well, my bad. But that was only about half of what it takes to ace an exam. Or at least I think so. The thing is, taking exams is half knowing the content and half knowing how to take exams. People get so stressed up when they come across questions they don't know the answer to. But here's the thing, you can pass (well, barely pass) an exam covering topics you have no knowledge of by simply understanding how the questions work. Very few professors know how to write questions that don't inevitably clue you in on the answer to other questions. You just need to know how to work the system.
Matching type questions are the easiest. I know they say that some choices may be used once, twice or not at all, and that's probably true in some cases but it usually isn't. When you run out of answers, just see to it that all answers, except for those that are so obviously wrong, are used. Multiple choice questions. Well, go through all of the questions first. Answer those that you're confident about. For the questions you're not so sure about, just mark off the choices you're sure can't be the answer then go to the next questions. Chances are, after a few more numbers, you'll find a question that somehow alludes to your mystery answer. Or maybe you'll find a statement that will eliminate another one of your choices. Either way it works for you. Modified true or false. Just look through other sections of your exam and I'm sure you'll find something in the multiple choice question or maybe in the matching type. I think you get my point now. This may seem very elementary for some of you, but it surprises me how few the people are who know how to do this.
I know I said that it's 50% content and 50% working the system, but here's the one thing that you need to remember/do to make that 100% count. Pray. Yeah, yeah. I know there are many people who aren't so keen to the idea but it's something I honestly do. And, I'm not here to preach about religion. I'm here to appeal to your faith. So, pray. And, I don't mean that you should go and pray for you to pass the exam or get high grades after taking your exam. I don't even mean that you do it before your exam (but you should do that, too). As I said, a huge part of your exam is knowing the content and those percentages won't magically move up when you decide to ask for help a minute before you're handed your exam booklet after you decided to forego studying entirely. Pray. Pray before, while and after you review. Pray for concentration. Pray for a better handle on your attention span. Pray for understanding. Pray for better memory retention. And, just for the heck of it, pray for the will to resist the temptation to cheat. I know it's easier and many people get away with it, but why not take the higher road when you can? In the end, cheaters only cheat themselves. And, there's that greater peace and satisfaction that comes with not having to go that low for something as insignificant as a number on a sheet of paper. There are many more things in life that are more important. So, pray.
I guess that's it. I have to admit, there are some things here that I don't always follow and there are things that will seem unnecessary for you. Just try it out and see what works for you. We were all made differently and, therefore, have different ways of dealing with things. I must emphasize on that last point, though. Pray. It's not something that you do only when you need something. It's something you do everyday, happy or sad, in need or in gratitude. I suppose that's what pushed me to write this. I realize that while I have been thanking God in the comfort of my private chambers, I should have had used all those opportunities to bring others closer to Him. Pray. Because while family and friends may sometimes fail you, He'll be there to pull you through, whether it be in the good times or bad.
The thing is, I apparently have a knack for scoring relatively high in exams. I apologize if that sounded arrogant. The thing is, I've had many people come up to me and ask me how I do it. How do I do it? Doesn't that sound weird, like it's some kind of magic trick I pull every time we have to sit for an exam. Though, I suppose my non-committal shrug and close-mouthed smiles don't really help clarify the situation. This is also something that's been weighing on my mind. In my quest to diffuse any unnecessary attention toward me, it seems that I've become quite the ungrateful beneficiary. So, how do I do it? Well, I'm finally prepared to answer that question.
Let's start with the most basic, shall we? Review. And, when I say review, I mean re-view. There's a huge difference between reviewing and re-learning. It's a fairly basic thing but it's something many people seem to miss. Imagine this, exams are just a few days away and you're stressing yourself up trying to cram in every single line on a 600-page book. Would you really be so surprised that after all that you fail your exam? I'm not a neurologist but I don't really need to be one to tell you that putting that much stress on your brain doesn't really help with memory retention. But, I still see people crunching through books and stacks of hand outs like it's their first time seeing those notes and encountering those topics. The week before exams isn't the time for you to be learning everything in your syllabus. That's what you have the rest of the term for. What else have you been doing in the many hours of lecture that you haven't learned anything? Listen in class. That way, when exam week is nearing, all you have to do is re-view. As in, refresh your memory. But there won't be much to refresh if you have no memory because you were too busy texting your boyfriend or chatting away with your seatmate.
Understand the literature, don't simply memorize it. I know going down to the itty, gritty details and understanding the mechanism behind what your learning might mean that you'll be needing more time to cover your scope but it's a lot more effective than memorizing. Good professors know how to ask questions that measure how you understood the concepts they've been teaching you. There are, however, some who like to randomly point at their book and ask questions about whatever their finger lands on. And, yeah, maybe memorizing everything will make answering those kinds of questions easier but there's a different quality that you attain when you understand what you're studying instead of just having memorized a string of words or numbers in your head.
Take it easy on yourself. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to tell you to get lazy. I don't want to be mobbed for giving advice that might end up with y'all getting lower grades than before. The thing is, I believe that the mind works better when it is well rested. So, forget about burning the midnight oil (or something like that, I never understood the phrase). Review your lessons and have a restful sleep. And, stop panicking that sleeping on whatever you've reviewed would mean you'd forget them. You have better memory than that. Pressuring yourself and stressing over what score you'll have doesn't help either. I say this for before and after taking your exam. I don't understand the people who can't stop talking about the exam they just took. When you're done, you're done. There's nothing more you can do about it. Except, of course, build a time machine. But I doubt that'll help. Time machines are still a ways from us and if ever successful it will only possibly be able to jump through time in the forward motion. Getting off topic here, sorry. Anyway, the bottom line is to relax. I actually take naps after every few globs of studying. You know when you feel like your head is about to explode after a few pages? Yeah. I call that information overload and I take a few minutes to nap it off. It helps with memory retention, too. There are scientific articles that will back me up. Google it.
Now, at this point, I feel like many of you will be rolling your eyes at me and telling me that you already knew all of this. Well, my bad. But that was only about half of what it takes to ace an exam. Or at least I think so. The thing is, taking exams is half knowing the content and half knowing how to take exams. People get so stressed up when they come across questions they don't know the answer to. But here's the thing, you can pass (well, barely pass) an exam covering topics you have no knowledge of by simply understanding how the questions work. Very few professors know how to write questions that don't inevitably clue you in on the answer to other questions. You just need to know how to work the system.
Matching type questions are the easiest. I know they say that some choices may be used once, twice or not at all, and that's probably true in some cases but it usually isn't. When you run out of answers, just see to it that all answers, except for those that are so obviously wrong, are used. Multiple choice questions. Well, go through all of the questions first. Answer those that you're confident about. For the questions you're not so sure about, just mark off the choices you're sure can't be the answer then go to the next questions. Chances are, after a few more numbers, you'll find a question that somehow alludes to your mystery answer. Or maybe you'll find a statement that will eliminate another one of your choices. Either way it works for you. Modified true or false. Just look through other sections of your exam and I'm sure you'll find something in the multiple choice question or maybe in the matching type. I think you get my point now. This may seem very elementary for some of you, but it surprises me how few the people are who know how to do this.
I know I said that it's 50% content and 50% working the system, but here's the one thing that you need to remember/do to make that 100% count. Pray. Yeah, yeah. I know there are many people who aren't so keen to the idea but it's something I honestly do. And, I'm not here to preach about religion. I'm here to appeal to your faith. So, pray. And, I don't mean that you should go and pray for you to pass the exam or get high grades after taking your exam. I don't even mean that you do it before your exam (but you should do that, too). As I said, a huge part of your exam is knowing the content and those percentages won't magically move up when you decide to ask for help a minute before you're handed your exam booklet after you decided to forego studying entirely. Pray. Pray before, while and after you review. Pray for concentration. Pray for a better handle on your attention span. Pray for understanding. Pray for better memory retention. And, just for the heck of it, pray for the will to resist the temptation to cheat. I know it's easier and many people get away with it, but why not take the higher road when you can? In the end, cheaters only cheat themselves. And, there's that greater peace and satisfaction that comes with not having to go that low for something as insignificant as a number on a sheet of paper. There are many more things in life that are more important. So, pray.
I guess that's it. I have to admit, there are some things here that I don't always follow and there are things that will seem unnecessary for you. Just try it out and see what works for you. We were all made differently and, therefore, have different ways of dealing with things. I must emphasize on that last point, though. Pray. It's not something that you do only when you need something. It's something you do everyday, happy or sad, in need or in gratitude. I suppose that's what pushed me to write this. I realize that while I have been thanking God in the comfort of my private chambers, I should have had used all those opportunities to bring others closer to Him. Pray. Because while family and friends may sometimes fail you, He'll be there to pull you through, whether it be in the good times or bad.
Wednesday, March 11, 2015
Auction Open for Bidding, Item: Me
How much are you? Or to put it more tactfully, what's your worth?
This is actually a rather tricky question. How do you decide on a specific amount? Should we have been born with a bar code on our wrists? That would have had been horrendous. In the end, it's not a simple matter of deciding how much you are but of how you even begin to measure your worth. I mean, to most of the people in the world, a person probably wouldn't be worth much. He probably wouldn't even be worth anything. But to the precious few who know him and care for him, possibly even love him, he would be worth a lot- priceless, even. In this sense, worth is subjective.
But, I dare say that worth should be intrinsic. It's something that you should decide on your own. It should depend on how valuable you believe yourself to be. It is about self-worth, self-confidence and self-esteem. And, so worth should be decided through our perspective of ourselves. It goes in the same manner as how we decide how much respect our colleagues should show us, how expensive we allow ourselves to splurge on ourselves, how much love we allow ourselves to accept. We decide our own worth. Or, at least, I believe that we should.
It is sad to say that, for many people, this isn't the case. Often times, it's actually the opposite. We allow others to dictate how much respect we deserve. We allow their opinions of us to influence how we see ourselves. And, I have to admit that I have fallen victim to this scheme many times in the past. It is actually quite embarrassing to remember how many times I've allowed myself to wallow in a pit of self-pity and shame because I had allowed other people to convince me that I was undeserving, that I was beneath them, and essentially that I was worthless.
It's ridiculous how easy it had been for them to make me to believe that I hadn't deserved as much as they had, that I hadn't been worth as much as they were, that I was a being of a lower class. It is worse, even, to think how easy I had made it for them to do these. After all, what kind of an idiot accepts judgment from monsters who know nothing but to feed on others? Who would allows snarky comment from others to shape what he thinks of himself? Who would allow meaningless words of others to get into his mind until he is eaten inside out? An unfortunate person who has yet to realize that his worth is something that is decided by his own love, respect and confidence in his self.
This is a rather difficult concept for me to wrap my head around. And, I have a feeling I haven't quite worded it in a way that would allow universal understanding, partly because this is an issue I was just recently having internal battles with. Nevertheless, it is something I needed to share not just because I needed to reassure myself of my worth but because I want others to start feeling more confident of their own worth.
And, be sure of this. In the moments when you start to doubt your worth, when family and friends have treated you like dirt, may you remember that there will always be someone who will see you as nothing less precious than the most valuable treasure.
"For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life." John 3:16
Despite the many comforts of human friends and chocolates, it is in His arms that we find warmth, comfort and reassurance that reaches the soul.
This is actually a rather tricky question. How do you decide on a specific amount? Should we have been born with a bar code on our wrists? That would have had been horrendous. In the end, it's not a simple matter of deciding how much you are but of how you even begin to measure your worth. I mean, to most of the people in the world, a person probably wouldn't be worth much. He probably wouldn't even be worth anything. But to the precious few who know him and care for him, possibly even love him, he would be worth a lot- priceless, even. In this sense, worth is subjective.
But, I dare say that worth should be intrinsic. It's something that you should decide on your own. It should depend on how valuable you believe yourself to be. It is about self-worth, self-confidence and self-esteem. And, so worth should be decided through our perspective of ourselves. It goes in the same manner as how we decide how much respect our colleagues should show us, how expensive we allow ourselves to splurge on ourselves, how much love we allow ourselves to accept. We decide our own worth. Or, at least, I believe that we should.
It is sad to say that, for many people, this isn't the case. Often times, it's actually the opposite. We allow others to dictate how much respect we deserve. We allow their opinions of us to influence how we see ourselves. And, I have to admit that I have fallen victim to this scheme many times in the past. It is actually quite embarrassing to remember how many times I've allowed myself to wallow in a pit of self-pity and shame because I had allowed other people to convince me that I was undeserving, that I was beneath them, and essentially that I was worthless.
It's ridiculous how easy it had been for them to make me to believe that I hadn't deserved as much as they had, that I hadn't been worth as much as they were, that I was a being of a lower class. It is worse, even, to think how easy I had made it for them to do these. After all, what kind of an idiot accepts judgment from monsters who know nothing but to feed on others? Who would allows snarky comment from others to shape what he thinks of himself? Who would allow meaningless words of others to get into his mind until he is eaten inside out? An unfortunate person who has yet to realize that his worth is something that is decided by his own love, respect and confidence in his self.
This is a rather difficult concept for me to wrap my head around. And, I have a feeling I haven't quite worded it in a way that would allow universal understanding, partly because this is an issue I was just recently having internal battles with. Nevertheless, it is something I needed to share not just because I needed to reassure myself of my worth but because I want others to start feeling more confident of their own worth.
And, be sure of this. In the moments when you start to doubt your worth, when family and friends have treated you like dirt, may you remember that there will always be someone who will see you as nothing less precious than the most valuable treasure.
"For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life." John 3:16
Despite the many comforts of human friends and chocolates, it is in His arms that we find warmth, comfort and reassurance that reaches the soul.
Monday, January 26, 2015
Mutant and Proud
"Mutant and proud."
Some may recognize this phrase from a movie adaptation of X-Men and if you know this movie then you know that it's from some time ago. I honestly don't remember when the movie was released but seeing as I have the tendency to watch films only when the public's interest in them have died down, its probably a bit dated. But that's besides the point. It's been a few months since I watched the movie yet those three seemingly insignificant words continue to resound within me. Is it so weird that I so easily relate to the idea of being a mutant?
What do we mean by mutant? Not surprisingly, when people hear the word mutant, their first go to image is probably some gory monster followed by an image of wolverine or any of the other members of X-Men. I blame Hollywood. But that's a rant for another day. I was trying to point out that mutant can easily be taken to mean being different. And, that's the thing. Aren't we all different? We're all unique. We have our own little, weird quirks with our own take on things. In a way, we're all mutants. And, I really wish we'd all learn to be proud of that.
Tall, thin and adequately tanned body with a face arranged according to the golden ratio. People keep saying that beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. It is supposedly a subjective attribute. Or at least, it was until some idiots came up with their idea of beautiful. And, then more idiots decided that there was no other kind of beautiful aside from this one idea. Now, everyone's hurting themselves trying to get themselves to fit a mold that, if we're being honest, is ill-fitting for most people. People have traded their unique bodies for a set of generic and unnatural parts. They have placed their self-esteem in the hands of hypocrites who know nothing but to spit out venomous words laced with envy and insecurity.
This kind of stupidity isn't limited to looks. Some have even gone so far as to attempt to change their attitudes, their likes and dislikes based on what is "acceptable" to society. It is pitiful. It is sad. It is true.
We were all created so beautifully unique yet, by our own choice, we attempt to become nothing more than a second-rate copy of an impossible model. We deserve more than pity hand outs from people. We deserve better. And, we are better. We just need to start embracing our true selves. We need to stop seeing the things that makes us different as ugly and recognize them for what they are. They are the very things that make us beautiful. So, I say, Mutant and proud.
Some may recognize this phrase from a movie adaptation of X-Men and if you know this movie then you know that it's from some time ago. I honestly don't remember when the movie was released but seeing as I have the tendency to watch films only when the public's interest in them have died down, its probably a bit dated. But that's besides the point. It's been a few months since I watched the movie yet those three seemingly insignificant words continue to resound within me. Is it so weird that I so easily relate to the idea of being a mutant?
What do we mean by mutant? Not surprisingly, when people hear the word mutant, their first go to image is probably some gory monster followed by an image of wolverine or any of the other members of X-Men. I blame Hollywood. But that's a rant for another day. I was trying to point out that mutant can easily be taken to mean being different. And, that's the thing. Aren't we all different? We're all unique. We have our own little, weird quirks with our own take on things. In a way, we're all mutants. And, I really wish we'd all learn to be proud of that.
Tall, thin and adequately tanned body with a face arranged according to the golden ratio. People keep saying that beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. It is supposedly a subjective attribute. Or at least, it was until some idiots came up with their idea of beautiful. And, then more idiots decided that there was no other kind of beautiful aside from this one idea. Now, everyone's hurting themselves trying to get themselves to fit a mold that, if we're being honest, is ill-fitting for most people. People have traded their unique bodies for a set of generic and unnatural parts. They have placed their self-esteem in the hands of hypocrites who know nothing but to spit out venomous words laced with envy and insecurity.
This kind of stupidity isn't limited to looks. Some have even gone so far as to attempt to change their attitudes, their likes and dislikes based on what is "acceptable" to society. It is pitiful. It is sad. It is true.
We were all created so beautifully unique yet, by our own choice, we attempt to become nothing more than a second-rate copy of an impossible model. We deserve more than pity hand outs from people. We deserve better. And, we are better. We just need to start embracing our true selves. We need to stop seeing the things that makes us different as ugly and recognize them for what they are. They are the very things that make us beautiful. So, I say, Mutant and proud.
Saturday, December 27, 2014
Out with the Old, In with the New
As the year comes to an end, I can't help but think back to all the happenings of 2014. A lot has happened. A lot has changed. Some friendships were mended yet there were others still that were lost- to time, to distance, to trivial misunderstandings. Treasures have been lost, others found a way back to me somehow but the rest were lost to the world forever. People have come to disrupt my routine and have gone in just about the same abrupt manner. Lessons have been learned and unlearned. Experiences. Memories. Smiles. Laughter. Tears.
Too many things have happened in the past year. So how does one begin the coming year renewed? What does it mean to start fresh? To start with a blank slate? How do you take all these things and just... make them disappear? All the joy and the pains of these past months, how do you get rid of them? The answer is simple. You don't.
You are molded by your experiences, your memories- the moments that made you smile and laugh, the moments that made you cry and crumble, the moments that made you doubt yourself, the moments of your defeat and failures. So, how could you possibly just get rid of them in hopes of doing better the coming year by starting anew? Your memories are a part of who you are and you can't just do away with them. Even if they hurt. So, what we do is we keep them as closed chapters of our lives. We put them in boxes and leave them there until times come when we need to consult them to remind ourselves of our past mistakes, to relearn lessons once learned, to avoid repeating history. But for so long as they are not needed, they remain untouched and they become nothing more than the past that has led you into becoming who you are now.
The problem comes when you realize that not all memories can be boxed away because not all loose ends have been dealt with, not all questions have been answered, not all qualms have been put to rest. As you trudge through your memories, you realize how much unfinished business you have left. Are these not the things that you shouldn't bring to the next year? At least, not in the current state that they are in. These loose ends, questions and qualms, should you not settle them now?
I'm not sure I'm making sense. My mind appears to be a mess. Perhaps I am grieving the things I have lost this year- friends, ideologies, trust, hope. Or perhaps I am lost in the world of unfinished business I have yet to settle. Or perhaps this is simple the way my mind works.
The world is a curious, curious place. And, for lack of anything better to say, I wish you all a Happy New Year! May you put to rest any open cases before the year comes to an end.
Too many things have happened in the past year. So how does one begin the coming year renewed? What does it mean to start fresh? To start with a blank slate? How do you take all these things and just... make them disappear? All the joy and the pains of these past months, how do you get rid of them? The answer is simple. You don't.
You are molded by your experiences, your memories- the moments that made you smile and laugh, the moments that made you cry and crumble, the moments that made you doubt yourself, the moments of your defeat and failures. So, how could you possibly just get rid of them in hopes of doing better the coming year by starting anew? Your memories are a part of who you are and you can't just do away with them. Even if they hurt. So, what we do is we keep them as closed chapters of our lives. We put them in boxes and leave them there until times come when we need to consult them to remind ourselves of our past mistakes, to relearn lessons once learned, to avoid repeating history. But for so long as they are not needed, they remain untouched and they become nothing more than the past that has led you into becoming who you are now.
The problem comes when you realize that not all memories can be boxed away because not all loose ends have been dealt with, not all questions have been answered, not all qualms have been put to rest. As you trudge through your memories, you realize how much unfinished business you have left. Are these not the things that you shouldn't bring to the next year? At least, not in the current state that they are in. These loose ends, questions and qualms, should you not settle them now?
I'm not sure I'm making sense. My mind appears to be a mess. Perhaps I am grieving the things I have lost this year- friends, ideologies, trust, hope. Or perhaps I am lost in the world of unfinished business I have yet to settle. Or perhaps this is simple the way my mind works.
The world is a curious, curious place. And, for lack of anything better to say, I wish you all a Happy New Year! May you put to rest any open cases before the year comes to an end.
Wednesday, December 24, 2014
Talk Back and You're Dead
I never watched the movie nor read the book. And to be honest, I have no plans to do either of these. But, the statement seemed appropriate, so allow me to use it.
I'm known for my gargoyle stare and sharp tongue. So, it no longer surprises me to learn that people are afraid of me. I believe that everyone is entitled to their own opinion of other people. In much the same way, I believe that multiple encounters with someone, allows you to gleam into who they are, thereby changing how you see them. It didn't bother me that people were afraid of me because if they knew who I really was or even just a portion of who I was then they would realize that I wasn't someone to be feared. At least, I thought that was the way it was until certain events proved me wrong.
The realization came to me in a fashion no less shocking than if I had taken on the ice bucket challenge. It was shocking. And, at the same time, quite painful. Even my friends were afraid of me. The people who should have known me better still found me frightful. Well, I suppose knowing that wasn't quite as shocking as I might want to make it out to be. I've always known that. But finding myself in a situation where all I could do was take all the words they've dealt to me and not find the option to say anything back just made my situation clear, defined and quite permanent, like it had now been set in stone.
I've known people who have shut their mouths closed and kept their retorts to themselves because they were afraid that voicing out how they felt would start a feud with me. They never understood that I wanted them to speak their minds, to say their piece and to be frank. Because, that was the way I was- I spoke my mind, I never shut up until I've said my piece and I was frank. I was born with a lack of verbal filter and am quite tactless. This has hurt some of my dearest friends but I believe that this has also been the reason for the insurmountable trust we have for each other. Being able to say what I want comes with the price of having people judge me with the same harshness. I've known this my entire life and I welcome the criticism. But people have always mistaken my honesty and bluntness to be an offensive scheme instead of an invitation to have a real, honest and true conversation.
It wasn't just one event. It was a succession of events that had slapped me in the face and nearly crushed my spirit. The fact that I had lived with this open invitation to a verbal sword fight of sorts made it extremely hard for me to find myself in a situation where people were asking to change who I am without giving me the opportunity to defend myself. It was done out of concern, perhaps even care or love for me. It was a simple case of telling me my apparent shortcomings and faults. Why am I taking offense in this when I said that I was open to criticisms? Because I felt cheated. They were telling me all these bad things that I did. And, while I admit that some of them were true to varying degrees, some of them were just plain wrong and simply a misinterpretation of my actions.
I was cheated because I wasn't given the opportunity to present my side. Because they were so quick to blame everything on me without taking the time to look in a mirror. Because I felt like the verdict was given without a proper trial. And, yes, I could have had chosen to voice my thoughts out but doing so, at that time, felt like it would shatter the fragile connection we had. I felt trapped. And, I felt cheated because they didn't have the courtesy to offer the same invitation I had always given to everyone around me. And, to add insult to injury, I felt like they were trying to change me into this person who I was not. It was like they didn't understand the meaning of compromise, of friendship.
---
They did eventually ask me to speak up. That is, they asked me in the most incomprehensible way before quickly changing the topic and picking up a microphone to sing out loud. Maybe one day I'll get to have that conversation with them. Maybe there will come a time when this won't just be a post of a lone soul but a multi-sided conversation. It could happen, probably when no one's so ass-drunk that they wouldn't remember the conversation had it happened. But for the mean time, I find myself still licking my wounds.
There's a reason only so few have heard my innermost thoughts. Not everyone can handle the darkest me. Not everyone understands. And, that's okay. Because I only need the few who bother to try and look past all my layers.
I'm known for my gargoyle stare and sharp tongue. So, it no longer surprises me to learn that people are afraid of me. I believe that everyone is entitled to their own opinion of other people. In much the same way, I believe that multiple encounters with someone, allows you to gleam into who they are, thereby changing how you see them. It didn't bother me that people were afraid of me because if they knew who I really was or even just a portion of who I was then they would realize that I wasn't someone to be feared. At least, I thought that was the way it was until certain events proved me wrong.
The realization came to me in a fashion no less shocking than if I had taken on the ice bucket challenge. It was shocking. And, at the same time, quite painful. Even my friends were afraid of me. The people who should have known me better still found me frightful. Well, I suppose knowing that wasn't quite as shocking as I might want to make it out to be. I've always known that. But finding myself in a situation where all I could do was take all the words they've dealt to me and not find the option to say anything back just made my situation clear, defined and quite permanent, like it had now been set in stone.
I've known people who have shut their mouths closed and kept their retorts to themselves because they were afraid that voicing out how they felt would start a feud with me. They never understood that I wanted them to speak their minds, to say their piece and to be frank. Because, that was the way I was- I spoke my mind, I never shut up until I've said my piece and I was frank. I was born with a lack of verbal filter and am quite tactless. This has hurt some of my dearest friends but I believe that this has also been the reason for the insurmountable trust we have for each other. Being able to say what I want comes with the price of having people judge me with the same harshness. I've known this my entire life and I welcome the criticism. But people have always mistaken my honesty and bluntness to be an offensive scheme instead of an invitation to have a real, honest and true conversation.
It wasn't just one event. It was a succession of events that had slapped me in the face and nearly crushed my spirit. The fact that I had lived with this open invitation to a verbal sword fight of sorts made it extremely hard for me to find myself in a situation where people were asking to change who I am without giving me the opportunity to defend myself. It was done out of concern, perhaps even care or love for me. It was a simple case of telling me my apparent shortcomings and faults. Why am I taking offense in this when I said that I was open to criticisms? Because I felt cheated. They were telling me all these bad things that I did. And, while I admit that some of them were true to varying degrees, some of them were just plain wrong and simply a misinterpretation of my actions.
I was cheated because I wasn't given the opportunity to present my side. Because they were so quick to blame everything on me without taking the time to look in a mirror. Because I felt like the verdict was given without a proper trial. And, yes, I could have had chosen to voice my thoughts out but doing so, at that time, felt like it would shatter the fragile connection we had. I felt trapped. And, I felt cheated because they didn't have the courtesy to offer the same invitation I had always given to everyone around me. And, to add insult to injury, I felt like they were trying to change me into this person who I was not. It was like they didn't understand the meaning of compromise, of friendship.
---
They did eventually ask me to speak up. That is, they asked me in the most incomprehensible way before quickly changing the topic and picking up a microphone to sing out loud. Maybe one day I'll get to have that conversation with them. Maybe there will come a time when this won't just be a post of a lone soul but a multi-sided conversation. It could happen, probably when no one's so ass-drunk that they wouldn't remember the conversation had it happened. But for the mean time, I find myself still licking my wounds.
There's a reason only so few have heard my innermost thoughts. Not everyone can handle the darkest me. Not everyone understands. And, that's okay. Because I only need the few who bother to try and look past all my layers.
Wednesday, October 29, 2014
CRUSH Material
What are the things we see in men that make us go crazy over them?
A lot, actually. And, if I had to make a list of all of them, it'd take me forever. But, here's a quick run down of the top 10 from some female friends. (The arrangement was all me, though. Because, you know, I'm awesome. XD )
10. Good-Looking
Because women can be superficial, too. But, really, who can judge us when the easiest thing to recognize is aesthetics?? We look at guys and the first thing we see is his face. Now, if only the handsome pips could stop turning out to be shorter than us.
9. Fit
We're not talking about bulging muscles and all that because, frankly, they're a turn off. We mean fit as in physically fit (Yeah, I'm not sure I'm making sense either). The thing is, we want guys who are huggable and not rail thin. It'd be a bonus if he danced, or played sports like basketball.
8. Captivating Eyes
They say eyes are the windows to the soul. I'm not sure about seeing a person's soul through his eyes but there are eyes that just draw you in and threaten to drown you in their depths. Eyes that make you fall.
7. Musically-Inclined
This can range from simply loving listening to music to actually having the ability to create music. While the idea of serenade is dated, the thought of someone wooing you with well-thought out lyrics and notes can be quite appealing. So much so that we would even be willing to forgive tone deaf singers.
6. Thoughtful
What does being thoughtful mean? Well, it's quite simple. We want guys who can read our minds so he can come up with all the right things to do at the right time. Well, not really. Or, yeah. A bit. Really, it's all about the small gestures.
5. Respectful
There are two sides to guys- the one they allow us to see and the one they wear with their guy friends. We want guys who will respect us behind our backs. Those who won't let other guys talk crap about us. Because we deserve that.
4. Sense of Humor
It is as they say, if you want someone to fall for you, make her laugh. It's the fastest way to have us let our guard down. Just a quick reminder, though. While there are some of us who can tolerate and even appreciate guy humor, we'd prefer clean, harmless jokes.
3. Family-Oriented
You know how a guy will treat you by the way he treats his mother and his female siblings.
2. Intelligent
Because, what use is a great face without the brains to keep it interesting? Besides, smart people always make for great conversationalists. Although, I should probably clarify that I'm talking about smart people and not know-it-alls. Because nobody likes talking to know-it-alls.
1. God-Fearing
This is perhaps one of the hardest thing to find in men. The real ones, at least. I mean, just how many guys are there who aren't so easily taunted into doing things that are- for lack of better words- worldly?
-----
Stephanie gaped at me. "That's a long list, Jo."
"I know."
She shook her head. "You realize he can't be all that, right? He'd have to be perfect."
"But, he is," I insisted. "He has to be. He's my crush."
My best friend just laughed at me. "Oh, I'd love to see your face when you get to know him and realize how far off you are."
Scrunching my eyebrows, I answered her. "But I won't get to know him. I'm not supposed to. He's my crush."
She gave me a weird look but I just stared back. It took her a minute before her face cleared up and she gasped with realization. "Poor, Nate."
"What?" I hated it when she does that- say things unsequentially. I'm never sure whether she's the problem or I am.
She smirked at me before uttering a word that confounded me even more. "Crush-zoned."
Yup. It's definitely her.
That small bit was an excerpt from Crush-Zoned! I've decided to join NaNoWriMo again this year. I'm not yet sure how I'm going to pull that off but I'm taking up the challenge. Am hoping for your support. :)
Oh, and I need a cover photo for this. Any takers?
A lot, actually. And, if I had to make a list of all of them, it'd take me forever. But, here's a quick run down of the top 10 from some female friends. (The arrangement was all me, though. Because, you know, I'm awesome. XD )
10. Good-Looking
Because women can be superficial, too. But, really, who can judge us when the easiest thing to recognize is aesthetics?? We look at guys and the first thing we see is his face. Now, if only the handsome pips could stop turning out to be shorter than us.
9. Fit
We're not talking about bulging muscles and all that because, frankly, they're a turn off. We mean fit as in physically fit (Yeah, I'm not sure I'm making sense either). The thing is, we want guys who are huggable and not rail thin. It'd be a bonus if he danced, or played sports like basketball.
8. Captivating Eyes
They say eyes are the windows to the soul. I'm not sure about seeing a person's soul through his eyes but there are eyes that just draw you in and threaten to drown you in their depths. Eyes that make you fall.
7. Musically-Inclined
This can range from simply loving listening to music to actually having the ability to create music. While the idea of serenade is dated, the thought of someone wooing you with well-thought out lyrics and notes can be quite appealing. So much so that we would even be willing to forgive tone deaf singers.
6. Thoughtful
What does being thoughtful mean? Well, it's quite simple. We want guys who can read our minds so he can come up with all the right things to do at the right time. Well, not really. Or, yeah. A bit. Really, it's all about the small gestures.
5. Respectful
There are two sides to guys- the one they allow us to see and the one they wear with their guy friends. We want guys who will respect us behind our backs. Those who won't let other guys talk crap about us. Because we deserve that.
4. Sense of Humor
It is as they say, if you want someone to fall for you, make her laugh. It's the fastest way to have us let our guard down. Just a quick reminder, though. While there are some of us who can tolerate and even appreciate guy humor, we'd prefer clean, harmless jokes.
3. Family-Oriented
You know how a guy will treat you by the way he treats his mother and his female siblings.
2. Intelligent
Because, what use is a great face without the brains to keep it interesting? Besides, smart people always make for great conversationalists. Although, I should probably clarify that I'm talking about smart people and not know-it-alls. Because nobody likes talking to know-it-alls.
1. God-Fearing
This is perhaps one of the hardest thing to find in men. The real ones, at least. I mean, just how many guys are there who aren't so easily taunted into doing things that are- for lack of better words- worldly?
-----
Stephanie gaped at me. "That's a long list, Jo."
"I know."
She shook her head. "You realize he can't be all that, right? He'd have to be perfect."
"But, he is," I insisted. "He has to be. He's my crush."
My best friend just laughed at me. "Oh, I'd love to see your face when you get to know him and realize how far off you are."
Scrunching my eyebrows, I answered her. "But I won't get to know him. I'm not supposed to. He's my crush."
She gave me a weird look but I just stared back. It took her a minute before her face cleared up and she gasped with realization. "Poor, Nate."
"What?" I hated it when she does that- say things unsequentially. I'm never sure whether she's the problem or I am.
She smirked at me before uttering a word that confounded me even more. "Crush-zoned."
Yup. It's definitely her.
That small bit was an excerpt from Crush-Zoned! I've decided to join NaNoWriMo again this year. I'm not yet sure how I'm going to pull that off but I'm taking up the challenge. Am hoping for your support. :)
Oh, and I need a cover photo for this. Any takers?
Eyes Wide Open
The danger of open-mindedness is that you're opening yourself up to temptations. The price of having eyes with a panoramic view is a thinner skin- a weaker barrier against influence, a vulnerability to things that would have otherwise been unknown to you. Sooner or later, you realize that the nature that allowed you to be open-minded in the first place has amplified the whispers of darkness in your ears. And, it will be that very nature that will push you further into the arms of that darkness.
Why am I being so sinister? I suppose I'm still reeling from the realization of just how far I've allowed myself to go. It was not unlike getting a bucket of ice water dumped over my head. I've always prided myself for the ability to put myself out there while maintaining my hold on my self, my beliefs and my principles. It had taken me a long time to realize my situation. Or perhaps I knew it as soon as I stepped over the line, I was just in denial.
Let me start at the beginning. There are two types of people. The first one includes those who are so set in their ways that they can't see anything past what they already know. They are those who close themselves off to other possibilities, other realities and other truths. They are those who don't bother to look at or even acknowledge the existence of other ways different from their own. And, this close-mindedness keeps them from seeing the whole picture. They simply believe that their way of life, their understanding of life is the right one. This goes against the scientist in me. After all, scientists are supposed to consider all the possibilities in an objective and unbiased perspective. Which is why I chose to be of the second type.
Open-mindedness is the ability to see every side to a situation. It doesn't mean that you have to agree with everything and everyone. It is more the willingness to understand every possible aspect before coming to a decision on what you stand by. It is in essence an exploration of all the cultures, a head dive into a sea of knowledge. And, it can be very fun and liberating. That is, for so long as you don't lose yourself in the currents. Because losing sight of who you are can be as easy as deciding to just go along for the ride into the unknown.
I lost myself. I didn't get into drugs or anything illegal, but still. Your very identity is structured around your morals, principles and beliefs. When you start acting against these, you chip away at yourself. And, just how much of yourself do you have to lose before realizing that something's wrong? Not too much, I hope. Because then, I wouldn't know what to do with myself.
The world is a beautiful place that should be seen without prejudiced staining. Just remember that all things beautiful have thorns.
Why am I being so sinister? I suppose I'm still reeling from the realization of just how far I've allowed myself to go. It was not unlike getting a bucket of ice water dumped over my head. I've always prided myself for the ability to put myself out there while maintaining my hold on my self, my beliefs and my principles. It had taken me a long time to realize my situation. Or perhaps I knew it as soon as I stepped over the line, I was just in denial.
Let me start at the beginning. There are two types of people. The first one includes those who are so set in their ways that they can't see anything past what they already know. They are those who close themselves off to other possibilities, other realities and other truths. They are those who don't bother to look at or even acknowledge the existence of other ways different from their own. And, this close-mindedness keeps them from seeing the whole picture. They simply believe that their way of life, their understanding of life is the right one. This goes against the scientist in me. After all, scientists are supposed to consider all the possibilities in an objective and unbiased perspective. Which is why I chose to be of the second type.
Open-mindedness is the ability to see every side to a situation. It doesn't mean that you have to agree with everything and everyone. It is more the willingness to understand every possible aspect before coming to a decision on what you stand by. It is in essence an exploration of all the cultures, a head dive into a sea of knowledge. And, it can be very fun and liberating. That is, for so long as you don't lose yourself in the currents. Because losing sight of who you are can be as easy as deciding to just go along for the ride into the unknown.
I lost myself. I didn't get into drugs or anything illegal, but still. Your very identity is structured around your morals, principles and beliefs. When you start acting against these, you chip away at yourself. And, just how much of yourself do you have to lose before realizing that something's wrong? Not too much, I hope. Because then, I wouldn't know what to do with myself.
The world is a beautiful place that should be seen without prejudiced staining. Just remember that all things beautiful have thorns.
Tuesday, October 14, 2014
I am Good Enough
What is the one thing that could hurt you the most? It's that one thing that people throw around like they have the right to do so. That one thing that could make a vulnerable soul crumble. Expectation. I can almost hear the boos and disgruntlement over this. And, I'm certain many would argue that love is a far more hurtful thing. Perhaps those people are right. Or perhaps they just don't realize how badly expectations can damage us. How deeply they can reach into our psyche.
I can no longer count the number of times I had nearly pushed myself over the edge for what someone else wanted me to be. It is almost humiliating to think of the amount of tears I once shed over something as silly as trying to uphold someone else's notion of who I am. You see, expectations are tricky little things. They have a way of snaking doubt into our minds and planting seeds of desperation and fear into our hearts. They make us doubt our own abilities, our own skills, our own identity. They make us desperate to reach for goals that are more often not our own. They make us fear failure and what others would think of us. They make us fear other people's opinion of us- their thoughts, their judgment, their disappointment.
Disappointment is born out of failed expectations. Expectations are nothing more than a person's unattainable dreams being projected onto others. It's nothing more than their way of trying to live life through another person. Expectations are images born out of someone's misguided interpretation of who a person is and who he/she can be. These are lethal poisons thrown around through off-handed comments, jokes, teasing threats and the like. It's almost too casually done for the kind of damage it deals to the unprepared.
It's sad how easily people discard who they are for the sake of trying to be someone they're not. Sadder, still, when they don't realize how doing so only detract from who they are. With every expectation made is bound to be a disappointment. And, with every disappointment, we allow someone else to take a part of us away. Why do we beat ourselves up over someone else's expectations of us? Worse yet, why allow ourselves to suffer by our own expectations of ourselves?
I doubt there's a way to eliminate expectations in the world. We can hardly eliminate poverty, how much better would we fare at phasing out unwarranted thoughts from naturally nosy beings? In the end, it's not other people we need to change but ourselves. We need to decide just how far we're going to let other people dictate how we live our own lives. We need to choose whose opinion matters and whose don't. We need to regain our self-confidence and believe in who we are.
"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." -Psalm 139:14
We are wonderful, beautiful creatures yet we keep trying to change ourselves because we don't - can't see ourselves in our entirety. And, maybe we do try to look at who we are but we look at mirrors that have been distorted by society's skewed standards and convince ourselves that something's lacking in us. You're wrong. It's just as Tohru Honda of Fruits Basket said,
"If you think of someone's good qualities as the umeboshi in an onigiri, it's as if their qualities are stuck to their back! People around the world are like onigiri. Everyone has an umeboshi with a different shape and color and flavor. But because it's stuck on their back, they might not be able to see their umeboshi."
This is for all the souls out there who feel that they aren't good enough, for all the spirits that have been beaten down, for all the hearts heavy with disappointment. I may not know your personal situation, but I do know this as a fact. You are an amazing, beautiful, wonderful creature with talents and strengths unique to you alone. And, no matter what the world's defective system of putting value to human beings says, you are invaluable. You are good enough, strong enough, beautiful enough, skilled enough.
I can no longer count the number of times I had nearly pushed myself over the edge for what someone else wanted me to be. It is almost humiliating to think of the amount of tears I once shed over something as silly as trying to uphold someone else's notion of who I am. You see, expectations are tricky little things. They have a way of snaking doubt into our minds and planting seeds of desperation and fear into our hearts. They make us doubt our own abilities, our own skills, our own identity. They make us desperate to reach for goals that are more often not our own. They make us fear failure and what others would think of us. They make us fear other people's opinion of us- their thoughts, their judgment, their disappointment.
Disappointment is born out of failed expectations. Expectations are nothing more than a person's unattainable dreams being projected onto others. It's nothing more than their way of trying to live life through another person. Expectations are images born out of someone's misguided interpretation of who a person is and who he/she can be. These are lethal poisons thrown around through off-handed comments, jokes, teasing threats and the like. It's almost too casually done for the kind of damage it deals to the unprepared.
It's sad how easily people discard who they are for the sake of trying to be someone they're not. Sadder, still, when they don't realize how doing so only detract from who they are. With every expectation made is bound to be a disappointment. And, with every disappointment, we allow someone else to take a part of us away. Why do we beat ourselves up over someone else's expectations of us? Worse yet, why allow ourselves to suffer by our own expectations of ourselves?
I doubt there's a way to eliminate expectations in the world. We can hardly eliminate poverty, how much better would we fare at phasing out unwarranted thoughts from naturally nosy beings? In the end, it's not other people we need to change but ourselves. We need to decide just how far we're going to let other people dictate how we live our own lives. We need to choose whose opinion matters and whose don't. We need to regain our self-confidence and believe in who we are.
"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." -Psalm 139:14
We are wonderful, beautiful creatures yet we keep trying to change ourselves because we don't - can't see ourselves in our entirety. And, maybe we do try to look at who we are but we look at mirrors that have been distorted by society's skewed standards and convince ourselves that something's lacking in us. You're wrong. It's just as Tohru Honda of Fruits Basket said,
"If you think of someone's good qualities as the umeboshi in an onigiri, it's as if their qualities are stuck to their back! People around the world are like onigiri. Everyone has an umeboshi with a different shape and color and flavor. But because it's stuck on their back, they might not be able to see their umeboshi."
This is for all the souls out there who feel that they aren't good enough, for all the spirits that have been beaten down, for all the hearts heavy with disappointment. I may not know your personal situation, but I do know this as a fact. You are an amazing, beautiful, wonderful creature with talents and strengths unique to you alone. And, no matter what the world's defective system of putting value to human beings says, you are invaluable. You are good enough, strong enough, beautiful enough, skilled enough.
Thursday, October 2, 2014
[NAME] was Here
Do you fear death? If you were to die this instance, would you be okay with it? Or would you beg for your life-for more time?
I watch a lot of action movies and one of the most recurring scenes is that of someone, despite their burly appearance, begging for their lives when placed at gunpoint. What is it that brings brave gang men to tears when placed in the brink of death? I used to think that it was due to cowardice and that I was better than them because I wouldn't beg. I would accept the fate given me.
I never understood it- the fear of death. Why be afraid of the inevitable? Why postpone something that would eventually have to pass? We would all have to die. It's the cycle of life. I understood and accepted this truth. But a few years into my life has made me realize that perhaps the act of begging for one's life isn't simply from cowardice or from want to continue living. It is from a sudden realization that comes only when faced with death. The realization that you're not yet ready.
I'm not talking about having unfinished business because we'll always have those. I'm not talking about having regrets because I've long realized the frailty of human life and have learned to live with as little regrets as possible. No, I'm talking about our need to feel eternal. And, before you say something, this isn't some misguided crusade for the search for the fountain of youth in an effort to evade death. I believe that eternal life is achieved only in the afterlife.
Legacy. That's the only way to put it in one word. Our complicated need to leave a mark on this world. A reassurance that we ever existed. Something that would continue to exist long after our body turns back to dust. We fear death because we realize that we haven't left a legacy yet. What is there to say that you were once alive in this world and you lived a true and meaningful life?
I often find myself staring into space and thinking of all the things I've done in my life. It is a short list for I have yet to truly live. But, it scares me to think that it seems as though I have yet to do anything that could build towards something worth being remembered for.
How about you? How have you fared so far?
I watch a lot of action movies and one of the most recurring scenes is that of someone, despite their burly appearance, begging for their lives when placed at gunpoint. What is it that brings brave gang men to tears when placed in the brink of death? I used to think that it was due to cowardice and that I was better than them because I wouldn't beg. I would accept the fate given me.
I never understood it- the fear of death. Why be afraid of the inevitable? Why postpone something that would eventually have to pass? We would all have to die. It's the cycle of life. I understood and accepted this truth. But a few years into my life has made me realize that perhaps the act of begging for one's life isn't simply from cowardice or from want to continue living. It is from a sudden realization that comes only when faced with death. The realization that you're not yet ready.
I'm not talking about having unfinished business because we'll always have those. I'm not talking about having regrets because I've long realized the frailty of human life and have learned to live with as little regrets as possible. No, I'm talking about our need to feel eternal. And, before you say something, this isn't some misguided crusade for the search for the fountain of youth in an effort to evade death. I believe that eternal life is achieved only in the afterlife.
Legacy. That's the only way to put it in one word. Our complicated need to leave a mark on this world. A reassurance that we ever existed. Something that would continue to exist long after our body turns back to dust. We fear death because we realize that we haven't left a legacy yet. What is there to say that you were once alive in this world and you lived a true and meaningful life?
I often find myself staring into space and thinking of all the things I've done in my life. It is a short list for I have yet to truly live. But, it scares me to think that it seems as though I have yet to do anything that could build towards something worth being remembered for.
How about you? How have you fared so far?
Saturday, September 27, 2014
A Child's Innocence
I never thought it to be a blessing. I had even equated it to naivety- stupidity, even. Childhood innocence seemed to be a waste. I was so eager to learn about the dirty, gritty matters of life that I so easily discarded it- too early on in my years, apparently. I thought that knowing the harsh realities of life would make the adults around me take me seriously. I thought that knowing meant more. It was too late when I realized that childhood innocence was a time-bound treasure that could not be brought back.
Oh, what bliss it was! To not see malice in every turn. To hold hands and hug a friend, and not have to worry about raising unwelcome feelings. To easily give and receive with no thought as to ulterior motives. To speak your mind freely and not have to worry about consequences. Or at least, nothing more than perhaps a scolding or even the bite of belt against flesh. To wake up in the morning and not feel a great burden on your shoulders. To look at friends and not question their motives. To look at the human population and not see the darkness that you now realize is present in everyone. To trust easily. To love freely. And, to laugh genuinely.
There is beauty in a child's innocence. One that I find difficult to explain. But I find joy in their kind, sweet smiles. Smiles that they so easily give away. Smiles that I know will come less often as they grow up. So, I take as much as I can get. And, I smile back. Because there is that power in their smile. A kind of spell that makes you smile back at them no matter how badly your day was going.
I feel delight in their unending questions- silly as they might be. I take strength from their laughter. But most of all, I feel hope blossoming in my heart with their presence. I suppose that's it. Hope. It is a rather difficult thing to keep in your grasps when faced with ugly truths of this world. Yet it overflows in them.
It's why they easily believe their parents would really buy them that unnecessary, not-in-the-budget toy. It's how they can look at the dark clouds and smile. And, when the rain does come, how they can laugh and dance in the rain. Because they know that the sun would show up tomorrow, if not later that day. It's hope. Or maybe they just believe that a rainbow would appear and they're eager at the thought of finding the pot of gold.
I feel old, and I'm certain many of the people who know me would say that I look the part, too. But, I know that I am young in years and have more to see, to experience, to live. I am nowhere near experienced enough or independent enough to make claims about the hardships of life yet I keep feeling chains constraining me, dragging me down.
So, yes. I am slightly jealous of children. Of their quick smiles. Of their hearty laughter. Of their innocence. Of their freedom. Of their hope.
Friday, September 26, 2014
SheForHe
The UN has recently launched a HeForShe campaign for gender equality. Now, this might be the right time to admit that I only know this because of the inspiring and truly eye-opening speech by Emma Watson.
So, yes, I watched it because I'm a fan of Emma Watson. But, I'm now writing about it because her words have reminded me of a reality that I have, for some reason, forgotten. Her words stabbed at my heart and I couldn't help but feel guilty.
You see, she spoke of how this fight for gender equality was one that could only be won when both sides came together. This was her formal invitation to all the men to take arms and stand by women. And, this was a revelation that, I must admit, has eluded me for so long. In talks of feminism and gender equality, so often have we made enemies of men- antagonizing them when, I now realize, they are not at fault. Not entirely, at least.
Because more than this revelation is the shocking realization that it truly is partly women's fault that gender discrimination continues to plague us. Is it not women who associate dominance with males? Is it not women who expect men to pick up the tab for every dinner date? Is it not women who require men to pull up their chairs, to open their doors for the sole reason that they are females?
By doing all these, is it not also women who create their own image of frailty? It is through this that we put men on the pedestal of power. And, there the image of man is formed. Man who is strong, unyielding and in control. Man who does not cry for he does not feel pain. Man who does not fear anything. Man who provides for woman. Because what else could a dainty woman be than a damsel in distress always in need of a knight in shining armor?
Yes, the world has placed women in a disadvantaged position. And, women have, for generations been fighting against this. Yet we forget that in the process, the world has also placed men in a cage. It has provided a tight, restricting image of what man is and what he is not. Any slight deviation makes Perhaps it is time that women stop simply fighting for themselves. She for she has been tried and it hadn't worked perhaps because it has resulted in a struggle against an opposing gender that has its own reasons for keeping their place in power.
He for she is certainly a step in the right direction. For how else could there be gender equality without the support of both genders? But, shouldn't women also fight for men? For their right to be free of the constraints that have also been thrown at them by the world? After all, we may carry different burdens, but they weigh us down just the same.
Monday, September 22, 2014
All the Little Things
Solitude within a crowd. Silent screams. Giant dwarfs.
Sentiment. What is this, exactly? It's that feeling, that emotion that overpowers the worldly value of items. It's what makes the smallest of gestures amount to so much more. And, it is the contrast of the smallest of deeds and it's potential impact on others that blind-sided me.
How often have you found yourself feeling down only to have your spirits lifted up by someone saying "Please" or "Thank you" to you? I'm sure there have been some, if not several, of these instances. It may not have solved your problems but hearing such words could easily lift a burden from your shoulders. It makes the endless hours of slaving over your work, worth it. It makes the pain in your back or neck hurt a little less. Because somehow, in some way, someone appreciates and respects who you are.
Yet, when was the last time you ever said "Thank you" to someone else? Just awhile ago when you asked that unassuming man to pass your fare to the driver? When your server came up to you with your food? This morning, when you woke up alive and well? A week ago when someone helped you carry your heavy load? A month ago, during your birthday? Last year, just as you accepted your Christmas gifts?
It's a bit sad how we so often forget the simplest of things, the most basic of etiquette even. Have we been leading such busy lives that we have forgotten? Or have we simply discounted the power behind the simplest of words, the smallest of deeds?
Nevertheless, the power remains. It is this power that makes hearing the words "Thank you" more fulfilling than being paid a million dollars. It is this power that makes handing a loaf of bread to a beggar more heartwarming than handing him a wad of cash. It is what makes a ring woven from grass and bound by promises more valuable than a diamond ring.
This is the power that exists within all the little things that make life seem a bit brighter.
Wednesday, September 3, 2014
Fear
What is your greatest fear? What are you most afraid of?
There are a lot to be frightened of in this world. Snakes. Spiders. Cockroaches. Ghosts. Killers. Death. Getting hurt. Falling. Heights. Failing. Stumbling. A lot. If one was to interview every single person on earth, I'm almost certain the list would include everything on earth. Because people are good at finding reasons to be scared of something. Of everything. People are good at finding excuses for limiting themselves.
And, that's what I'm scared of the most. That my fear in something insignificant would limit me. My greatest fear is fear, itself. Because fear, left unchecked, is crippling. Fear is what keeps you in your comfort zone. It boxes you in. It stops you from accomplishing things. It keeps you from being great!
It allows you to see your dreams come within reach but keeps you from actually getting it. Soon, it isn't only fear bearing down on you but regret, as well. Regret for not having courage. Hatred, directed at yourself, for not having been able to do anything. Hopelessness because you see no light at the end of the tunnel. In a bit, you'll be drowning in sorrow. And, all these is because of fear - fear in something you'll come to realize is insignificant.
That's just the way fear works. But, just who gave fear all this power? The answer is plain and simple. You.
Fear isn't actually bad. It's necessary. It reminds us that we're not untouched by death. It allows us to remember that we can get hurt. That we aren't invincible.
But, the moment we allow fear to enter our hearts, we allow it control over our lives. Because fear is not one to smile and mingle. It seizes the heart and all in it. It drains our courage, shoots down our ambition, beats our hope senseless, and tramples on our self confidence.
So, yes, fear is my greatest fear. But with this admission, I look fear in the eyes and laugh at it. Because I refuse to give it even a nanometer's space in my heart. I refuse to be brought down by my own doubts and hesitation. After all, fear is nothing without our own second thoughts and uncertainties.
Keep your fears close. Let it fuel you at your lowest. Let it remind you that you are human. But keep it far enough that it doesn't have access to your heart. Because there is greatness in each and every one of us. A greatness that is chained down and restrained by fear and doubt. A greatness that deserves to be seen.
We can all be great. We just need to stop our fears from hindering us.
There are a lot to be frightened of in this world. Snakes. Spiders. Cockroaches. Ghosts. Killers. Death. Getting hurt. Falling. Heights. Failing. Stumbling. A lot. If one was to interview every single person on earth, I'm almost certain the list would include everything on earth. Because people are good at finding reasons to be scared of something. Of everything. People are good at finding excuses for limiting themselves.
And, that's what I'm scared of the most. That my fear in something insignificant would limit me. My greatest fear is fear, itself. Because fear, left unchecked, is crippling. Fear is what keeps you in your comfort zone. It boxes you in. It stops you from accomplishing things. It keeps you from being great!
It allows you to see your dreams come within reach but keeps you from actually getting it. Soon, it isn't only fear bearing down on you but regret, as well. Regret for not having courage. Hatred, directed at yourself, for not having been able to do anything. Hopelessness because you see no light at the end of the tunnel. In a bit, you'll be drowning in sorrow. And, all these is because of fear - fear in something you'll come to realize is insignificant.
That's just the way fear works. But, just who gave fear all this power? The answer is plain and simple. You.
Fear isn't actually bad. It's necessary. It reminds us that we're not untouched by death. It allows us to remember that we can get hurt. That we aren't invincible.
But, the moment we allow fear to enter our hearts, we allow it control over our lives. Because fear is not one to smile and mingle. It seizes the heart and all in it. It drains our courage, shoots down our ambition, beats our hope senseless, and tramples on our self confidence.
So, yes, fear is my greatest fear. But with this admission, I look fear in the eyes and laugh at it. Because I refuse to give it even a nanometer's space in my heart. I refuse to be brought down by my own doubts and hesitation. After all, fear is nothing without our own second thoughts and uncertainties.
Keep your fears close. Let it fuel you at your lowest. Let it remind you that you are human. But keep it far enough that it doesn't have access to your heart. Because there is greatness in each and every one of us. A greatness that is chained down and restrained by fear and doubt. A greatness that deserves to be seen.
We can all be great. We just need to stop our fears from hindering us.
Saturday, August 16, 2014
Forgiveness
What is the hardest thing to do?
To love? Of course not. Some would say that it's the easiest thing in the world. After all, just how hard could it be to fall? It's not. It can be painful, but not at all difficult.
To stay in love? To keep yourself in free fall for as long as you can. I imagine that can be difficult. Challenging, even. But not the hardest thing a man can accomplish.
To forgive. I know, I know. There are those who would say that this is easy enough to do. Some would even argue that swallowing one's pride and asking for forgiveness is more difficult. But, it's not. Because forgiveness is more than just uttering the words "I forgive you" or "It's okay" or even "I've already forgotten about it". Forgiveness is saying those words and meaning them.
So, to really and truly forgive someone is difficult. You have to forgive them from the heart and mind. And, that does not necessarily mean forgetting the act done against you. It means remembering the act and not feeling hurt, or angry, or betrayed. It means that no matter what happens in the future, you can't use that act against that person. No matter what you see or hear, you can't feel bitter or jealous. Because you've forgiven him/her.
And, that's difficult. Because when you forgive someone you tell yourself it's okay. That person didn't know any better. He or She didn't mean to hurt you. So, it's okay. But when someone hurt you through neglect and suddenly shows you that he or she knows how to care for someone, how could you not feel hurt? Because then, you start to think that maybe he or she did know better. And, maybe he or she did mean to hurt you. And, you feel hurt and betrayed all over again. Then, you realize, you've never really forgiven that person. All you did was bury all the painful memories and hope that they don't resurface. But, that doesn't work. Because memories like those will always resurface.
So, it's hard. Perhaps the hardest thing a person can do. Or maybe I just haven't learned how to do it yet. How does one manage that, anyway? How do you forgive? And, more importantly, how do you forgive the people you love the most? Because, really, the people you love are the ones who hurt you the most. And, these wounds are the hardest to heal. So, how do I do it?
To love? Of course not. Some would say that it's the easiest thing in the world. After all, just how hard could it be to fall? It's not. It can be painful, but not at all difficult.
To stay in love? To keep yourself in free fall for as long as you can. I imagine that can be difficult. Challenging, even. But not the hardest thing a man can accomplish.
To forgive. I know, I know. There are those who would say that this is easy enough to do. Some would even argue that swallowing one's pride and asking for forgiveness is more difficult. But, it's not. Because forgiveness is more than just uttering the words "I forgive you" or "It's okay" or even "I've already forgotten about it". Forgiveness is saying those words and meaning them.
So, to really and truly forgive someone is difficult. You have to forgive them from the heart and mind. And, that does not necessarily mean forgetting the act done against you. It means remembering the act and not feeling hurt, or angry, or betrayed. It means that no matter what happens in the future, you can't use that act against that person. No matter what you see or hear, you can't feel bitter or jealous. Because you've forgiven him/her.
And, that's difficult. Because when you forgive someone you tell yourself it's okay. That person didn't know any better. He or She didn't mean to hurt you. So, it's okay. But when someone hurt you through neglect and suddenly shows you that he or she knows how to care for someone, how could you not feel hurt? Because then, you start to think that maybe he or she did know better. And, maybe he or she did mean to hurt you. And, you feel hurt and betrayed all over again. Then, you realize, you've never really forgiven that person. All you did was bury all the painful memories and hope that they don't resurface. But, that doesn't work. Because memories like those will always resurface.
So, it's hard. Perhaps the hardest thing a person can do. Or maybe I just haven't learned how to do it yet. How does one manage that, anyway? How do you forgive? And, more importantly, how do you forgive the people you love the most? Because, really, the people you love are the ones who hurt you the most. And, these wounds are the hardest to heal. So, how do I do it?
Tuesday, July 8, 2014
Seth Alary
There's this man I knew from a long time ago. And, I'm quite certain you know him, too.
I can't say much about his physical appearance. There wasn't really much to say about it. He had a nondescript appearance- a common face and an unimpressive build. He looked so common, so part of the tapestry that I don't remember much about it. But, that's okay. Because I remember him not for what he looks like but for who he is.
He is that guy you never gave much attention to but was someone you could always count on. He's that selfless dude who would always put your best interests before his. The one who'd give up on his chance at achieving his dream just so he could help you meet your idol or something equally superficial.
He's the idiot who doesn't know his own self because he's so busy minding what others want him to be. He's the one who writes his parent's aspirations for him in his yearbook instead of his own. The one who has learned to ignore his own desires in favor of fulfilling that of someone else. The one who pleases everyone but himself.
All these because he's afraid. He's afraid of disappointing others. Afraid of not being good enough to meet their expectations. So, he loses his self - his own dreams, aspirations, opinions. He becomes who everyone wants him to be. Because, he thinks that when he achieves that then everyone will be happy. That he will be happy.
But, he won't be. He'll never be happy. Not through the way he chooses to live his life. Because he can't please everyone. He can't meet all expectations of him. He will disappoint some people. But it's not because he's not good enough. He is. He just needs to be his own person. To realize who he is and not who people want him to be. Because the key to finding happiness is finding one's self.
So, he needs to stop worrying about everyone and start worrying about himself. He needs to choose whose opinions matter and whose don't, to understand who are important to him and who aren't. He needs to follow his dreams and be true to himself.
I know all these because, at one point in my life, I was him. So were others. And, sadly, so are many others still.
His name is Seth Alary- that small part in all of us who fear being a disappointment and wants to please everyone.
Have you met him yet? Have you said goodbye? Or are you holding on to him, still?
*A product of Prompt # 205 of creativewritingprompts.com
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