I Love Her.

I didn't feel anything.

I kept waiting for the guilt, the remorse. But the feeling never came. Perhaps, I should be basking in the glory of triumph? But, I didn't feel victorious either. Instead, I just kept watching and laughing along as my favorite variety cast finished their missions.

It was ridiculously easy to push the whole incident to the back of my mind and keep acting as though it had never happened. That is, until the reality of it all caught up to me. I didn't feel anything. I was numb. Had I become a hollow shell of the person I supposedly am?

Maybe it's nothing. Maybe this is just how it's supposed to be. Maybe I just analyze too much. Maybe I should have had just let the memory slip away into the darkness until it was forgotten. But, it's too late now. The moment I realized my lack of reaction, I was done for. Doubt crept in. Guilt flooded my soul. But it is fear that reigns over my heart. Fear that came about because I. Felt. Nothing.

It was a huge argument. But every argument we have is huge. Still. I believe we provoked each other in the way that we always manage to do. It all went the way it usually does between us. She speaks her side. I defend myself. She disregards everything I say because, by birth, I will always be beneath her. I don't condone that notion and that will always be the barrier between us. She says her piece and believes that she has rightfully won. I speak up because I am an impetuous child who believes in respect for each other's opinion regardless of station. She thinks she wins by default. I think I win because of my impudent but totally logical defense. In the end, she leaves only to keep coming back to rain sermons about my manner of speech, my stance and my facial expressions.

The thing is, we love each other. We don't say it to each other. I can swear that she has never said those words to me before and I admit that I have only muttered them to her a handful of times. But, I know without a doubt that she loves me and that I love her. And, with that love comes my respect for her. I respect her even if she doesn't believe it. Love and respect are supposed to be universal languages. Except for us, apparently. I think it's because we have different understanding of the concept of love and respect. So, we have different expectations of how we should be to each other. And, we are two people who have difficulty with compromise. We stand rigid with our own principles and views of life.

So, in the end, she says I'm disrespectful, ungrateful and inconsiderate. I say, we have communication problems.

I love her. And we had an argument. And I felt nothing. Now, I feel scared like a child. Because, I'm not supposed to feel nothing. I'm scared because I don't want our constant disagreements and differences in opinions to change who I am. I don't want to be an empty husk, a shell. And, I'm scared. I'm scared. And, I'm suddenly sorry. Because I know that I hurt her. But I chose not to do anything about it. Because no matter how I deny it, I got hurt, too.

What have I become?

I've heard people say that no parent can ever win over their children. I've always snorted at them, half out of indignation, half out of envy. I never felt like she ever let me win. My mother is a strong, proud woman. And, it is very difficult, and often quite infuriating, to live with that kind of person. But then, I am as stubborn and proud as she is. And, so I must think that she finds me no less difficult and infuriating as I find her.

But all these analyses mean nothing. Because I know that, in the end, I will still choose to do nothing. Because I have already bent and bowed more times than I believed right. If I do it again, I'm afraid that I'll break. And, she... Well, she is a more rigid person than I am that bending is simply out of the question.

And, so we stand at an impasse. She'll lick her wounds and I'll lick mine. She'll eventually stop glaring at me and I'll continue to ignore my guilt, holding on to the fact that she hurt me, too. It's childish. On both sides. But I need time to forgive her for not being the kind of mother I expected. And I need time to forgive myself for being unable to be the child she wants me to be. And, we'll go back to our routine of saying barely five words to each other every day. Eventually, through the years, those five words might become a rarity even in a month. Or maybe we'll find a way to finally see each other in better light. But at the moment, I know that the best we can do is to tolerate each other. And, that is enough.

But, this thing I know. Between parent and child, there can be no winner. No side can walk away without a scar. No side can walk away without having to heave a heavy heart. I think that's what it means to be a family- to be bound by something that is thicker than water.

Auction Open for Bidding, Item: Me

How much are you? Or to put it more tactfully, what's your worth?

This is actually a rather tricky question. How do you decide on a specific amount? Should we have been born with a bar code on our wrists? That would have had been horrendous. In the end, it's not a simple matter of deciding how much you are but of how you even begin to measure your worth. I mean, to most of the people in the world, a person probably wouldn't be worth much. He probably wouldn't even be worth anything. But to the precious few who know him and care for him, possibly even love him, he would be worth a lot- priceless, even. In this sense, worth is subjective.

But, I dare say that worth should be intrinsic. It's something that you should decide on your own. It should depend on how valuable you believe yourself to be. It is about self-worth, self-confidence and self-esteem. And, so worth should be decided through our perspective of ourselves. It goes in the same manner as how we decide how much respect our colleagues should show us, how expensive we allow ourselves to splurge on ourselves, how much love we allow ourselves to accept. We decide our own worth. Or, at least, I believe that we should.

It is sad to say that, for many people, this isn't the case. Often times, it's actually the opposite. We allow others to dictate how much respect we deserve. We allow their opinions of us to influence how we see ourselves. And, I have to admit that I have fallen victim to this scheme many times in the past. It is actually quite embarrassing to remember how many times I've allowed myself to wallow in a pit of self-pity and shame because I had allowed other people to convince me that I was undeserving, that I was beneath them, and essentially that I was worthless.

It's ridiculous how easy it had been for them to make me to believe that I hadn't deserved as much as they had, that I hadn't been worth as much as they were, that I was a being of a lower class. It is worse, even, to think how easy I had made it for them to do these. After all, what kind of an idiot accepts judgment from monsters who know nothing but to feed on others? Who would allows snarky comment from others to shape what he thinks of himself? Who would allow meaningless words of others to get into his mind until he is eaten inside out? An unfortunate person who has yet to realize that his worth is something that is decided by his own love, respect and confidence in his self.

This is a rather difficult concept for me to wrap my head around. And, I have a feeling I haven't quite worded it in a way that would allow universal understanding, partly because this is an issue I was just recently having internal battles with. Nevertheless, it is something I needed to share not just because I needed to reassure myself of my worth but because I want others to start feeling more confident of their own worth.

And, be sure of this. In the moments when you start to doubt your worth, when family and friends have treated you like dirt, may you remember that there will always be someone who will see you as nothing less precious than the most valuable treasure.

"For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life." John 3:16

Despite the many comforts of human friends and chocolates, it is in His arms that we find warmth, comfort and reassurance that reaches the soul.

Church Bells and Wedding Bouquets

Sweaty.

Her hands were sweaty. She was nervous. I could feel her hands tremble as they grip my stems, almost as though she was holding on to dear life and expecting me to give her the assurance she needed. The assurance that this life-long commitment was not a mistake. Her wide eyes searched my fully bloomed petals, glistening with water droplets.

I couldn't help but wonder when she would realize it. The simple fact that if she couldn't be sure of the man she was marrying after three long years of dating, then how much more could I? How could I possibly know when all I got was a glance of his dark hair before he was pushed out of the dressing room and reprimanded for trying to break wedding traditions.

Frankly, I don't get why it matters so much that a groom does not see his bride before the wedding. Nonetheless, they ruthlessly kicked him out before going back to dressing the bride up, fussing over the smallest of details. Details that were so minute, they could have had gone unnoticed by the guests anyway. It took them hours. I sat on the vanity for so long that I was afraid I would wilt before the ceremony even began. Forget suffering through a long and winding reception only to get ripped apart by the love-hungry bridesmaids, I wouldn't even survive to see the kiss!

But, here I was, in the sweaty hands of the bride, who I must grudgingly admit is gorgeous, as she stood before the full length mirror. And, while I have always been proud of my flawless white petals infused with the faintest of pink- now glistening after having just been sprayed with water and a chemical that makes me feel revitalized- I am nothing more than a fraction of her unearthly beauty. The agonizing hours of being prodded and poked was well worth it.

My world tilted suddenly and I later realized that she had shifted me to one hand, wiping the other on the side of her dress. She repeated this process for her other hand. I couldn't help but think that she should have just worn gloves. But it was too late to go looking for a pair now. She was being called in by an usher.

I can hear the marching music, like every note from the century-old organ was wrapping its way around me. And, I assume, around the bride. She was shaking more than before. I was afraid I'd start losing some petals but she got a hold of herself as soon as an old man approached her and tucked her arm in the crook of his older. Her father, I suppose. And, just like that, we were walking down the aisle.

Just when the slow and repetitive bobbing up and down was about to lull me to sleep, everything came to an abrupt stop. Smiling faces of old and young, men and women, froze. The music stop. Even the chirping outside seemed to stop. Everything went still. That was when I realized that the bride had frozen in the middle of her march down the aisle and I felt wet. Did I just pee on myself? Is that why she stopped? Did I freak her out?

The salty tang of the liquid got to me. Tears. She was crying. And, her lips were trembling- no, they were moving, uttering words. "Sorry." She was saying it over and over again. I couldn't be sure if she was trying to say it once for everyone in there- the devastated groom, her disappointed and confused father, the equally confused crowd of guests, the nodding father. If she was going to say one for each person there, it'd take forever. But she wasn't. She was building the courage to look at her groom one last time before turning around.

And, turn around she did. In a flurry of white, she was gone back down the aisle and out the doors. And, she left me there on the floor. But before I could even feel indignant, a sharp pain took over me. There was sudden darkness. I couldn't see. I couldn't feel anything beyond the pain. But I could smell the leather from the groom's shoe. Just as everything slowly faded away, I could hear him shouting her name.

**A product of Prompt # 341 of creativewritingprompts.com.

Forgiveness

What is the hardest thing to do?

To love? Of course not. Some would say that it's the easiest thing in the world. After all, just how hard could it be to fall? It's not. It can be painful, but not at all difficult.

To stay in love? To keep yourself in free fall for as long as you can. I imagine that can be difficult. Challenging, even. But not the hardest thing a man can accomplish.

To forgive. I know, I know. There are those who would say that this is easy enough to do. Some would even argue that swallowing one's pride and asking for forgiveness is more difficult. But, it's not. Because forgiveness is more than just uttering the words "I forgive you" or "It's okay" or even "I've already forgotten about it". Forgiveness is saying those words and meaning them.

So, to really and truly forgive someone is difficult. You have to forgive them from the heart and mind. And, that does not necessarily mean forgetting the act done against you. It means remembering the act and not feeling hurt, or angry, or betrayed. It means that no matter what happens in the future, you can't use that act against that person. No matter what you see or hear, you can't feel bitter or jealous. Because you've forgiven him/her.

And, that's difficult. Because when you forgive someone you tell yourself it's okay. That person didn't know any better. He or She didn't mean to hurt you. So, it's okay. But when someone hurt you through neglect and suddenly shows you that he or she knows how to care for someone, how could you not feel hurt? Because then, you start to think that maybe he or she did know better. And, maybe he or she did mean to hurt you. And, you feel hurt and betrayed all over again. Then, you realize, you've never really forgiven that person. All you did was bury all the painful memories and hope that they don't resurface. But, that doesn't work. Because memories like those will always resurface.

So, it's hard. Perhaps the hardest thing a person can do. Or maybe I just haven't learned how to do it yet. How does one manage that, anyway? How do you forgive? And, more importantly, how do you forgive the people you love the most? Because, really, the people you love are the ones who hurt you the most. And, these wounds are the hardest to heal. So, how do I do it?

Crush Zone

According to an article I read years ago, crushes are supposed to last for four months, at most. If you exceed this set period of time, you have most likely fallen in love with that person.

The thing is, I don't think that's true. I've had crushes that went beyond four months, reaching years even. But, I've not fallen in love with one of them. And, I probably never will. You see, I believe we need to know someone, at least to a certain degree, before we truly and completely fall for them. We need to get a sense of who they are as a person. We need to understand at least a portion of them. We need to have something to grab hold of.

But, crushes are just that. Crushes. More often than not, they're people we don't even get to talk to. They're just faces that pass us by often enough to be noticed. Characteristics we've drawn from small, insignificant gestures from a long ways away (because, let's face it, all of us become a bit stalkerish when it comes to our crushes). Personalities we made up. Images we daydreamed about.

We know their names. Their age, maybe. Their schedules. Their favorite hangouts. Hopefully, not their home address. Despite all these information, we don't really know who they are. And, that's okay. Because, deep down, we don't want to know who they really are. We're content with the ideal person we've made them up to be in our minds.

We don't want to get to know them. Not really. Because if we do, we'll realize they're not who we thought they were. They're not really our crush. They're nothing but the face to the perfect person we want for ourselves. And, compared to the image we've formed in your minds, they come nowhere close.

So, as much as we blush and squeal and get giddy when they're around, we don't go close enough to get to know them. Because they'll just shatter the illusion. So, we keep our distance and watch and imagine and pine. But that's it. And, in doing so, we outline the Crush Zone.

***

Yeah. So, the thought just came to me when I was hit by a question that has been directed at me millions of times ago.

"If *insert my crush's name here* returned your feelings and asked you out, what would you say?"

I've always said I wouldn't agree to it. I didn't know why, but I just didn't want to. Then, it hit me. Crush Zoned. It happens. Or, at least it happens to me. Anyone else?

Anyway, just like that, I have the plot for my next novel already mapping itself out in my head. Now, I just need to get my lazy self to actually start writing. ^^,

7 Reasons to Turn Down a Marriage Proposal

Because not every man who gets on one knee and pops open a velvet box gets what he wants. Here are some reasons why.

1. You don't love him.

I am a firm believer of marrying for love. And, while a marriage of convenience may be tempting, I've written, read and watched enough love stories to want it for myself. Besides, if you're going to be shackled to someone, it might as well be to someone you won't try to kill because of something trivial like snoring too loudly, or putting too much syrup in his pancakes, or watching too much football, or waking up too early, or laughing too heartily. Useless stuff like those. The point is,no matter how trivial these things are, if you spend a long enough period of time tolerating them, you'll find your annoyance grow into irritation and develop further into hatred.

2. He doesn't love you.

There are lots of reasons why men propose. He may do it because he loves you. Or maybe because he knocked you up. Or because you're rich. Or your parents are rich. Or his visa expired and he's about to get deported. If he's popping the question for reasons other than being completely and hopelessly in love with you, why say yes?

3. Timing.

Marriage isn't something you simply do with the right person. You have to do it with at the right time. Career. Family. Opportunities. There are a lot of things that could crowd up in your life that just makes it hard to start this serious a commitment. If you feel like there's too much happening at that moment in your life and you can't possibly add one more thing, then postpone. Being with the right person at the time is as devastating as being with the wrong person at the right time.

4. You're a bum.

Neither one of you has a job. You don't have your own house. You have no source of income. You're only hope is the kindness of your parents and the depth of their pockets. You'd have to be astronomically stupid to say yes.

5. You don't like the ring.

A bit superficial? Maybe. But still. Why would you agree to marry someone who doesn't even know you enough to know the type of ring you'd want to have around your finger for the rest of your life? This isn't about him getting you the most expensive ring on display. This is about him knowing and understanding who you are.

6. You're being pressured.

It's perfect. The candles. The flowers. The ring. The man. But, there's the crowd. And, in the moment following his question, all you hear is the fast beating of your heart and the drawn breath of the hundreds of people around you. You feel pressured. You need to say yes. But you shouldn't. I've always hated people who use a crowd to get you to do what they want. So, resist. Besides, if it was meant to be, you wouldn't have noticed other people. You should have had been drawn to him and nothing and no one else.

7. You're just the practice dummy.

He's the love of you life. He's kneeling before you. He has a ring in his hand. And, he just uttered the four magical words. But, he's not really asking you. Of course, not. Because you're not the girlfriend, just the best friend. And, he's just practicing on you. It's just role play. Don't get carried away. You'll only hurt yourself.

*A product of prompt # 296 of creativewritingprompts.com

At First Sight

Everyone is so caught up with the idea of love at first sight. To look at a person for the first time and know, within the next few seconds, that he or she is The One. To just look that person in the eyes and feel electricity fizzle in the air. To have your heart beat so wildly with just the sight of his or her smile. To feel, with certainty, that you two were meant for each other. All these, with just a few seconds of shared look. This is love at first sight.

Wouldn't it be wonderful if it were that easy? To not have to go through the pain of lost and misplaced love. To not have to risk having your heart broken for just the chance at having what so many desire- true love. To be able to know whether he or she is your soul mate or not without having to go through the roller coaster of a relationship. To not have to waste time with the wrong person. To just look and know.

I never believed in love at first sight. It was ridiculous. I mean, if it was real, then why are there so many broken hearts and damaged souls in the world? I didn't believe. So, it came after me and showed me. It is real. To a point, at least.

I don't think it happens to everyone. But there comes a time when you meet someone and you feel this undeniably strong attraction towards him or her. Your heart beats faster than normal. You have this feeling in your gut that just tells you that this person is someone important. And, you start to think that he or she is The One. And, you believe. That was love at first sight. Or so you thought. But, is it really?

We all live our lives with an idea of who we want to be with, who we want to spend the rest of our lives with. We paint a picture in our heads. We make a list of attributes. We imagine. We day dream. We form an image. And, we hold on to that image. And, we use that image. Subconsciously, we end up comparing every potential interest we meet to that image we have in our heads. Times come when we meet someone who matches this image we have. In about eight seconds, we're so sure we're looking at The One. So sure that we're in love. Because, what more could it be than love at first sight?

Love is a strong word. Too strong to be taken lightly as is so commonly done in the notion of love at first sight. So, no. That is not love. But the attraction is there -too strong to be called nothing yet to flimsy to be called love. So we go with like. Like at first sight.

Why Good Girls Love Bad Boys

1. Yin Yang

Opposites attract. This, despite the protests of some, is true. Heck, even science agrees with it. Positively-charged ions are attracted to negatively-charged ones. Only in this case, good girls are attracted to bad boys.

There is simply something about a person who is the exact opposite of who you are. You just can't help but be attracted to him/her. This tendency might be based on something as simple as curiosity. A good girl has, by definition, never stepped a foot outside the zone of all that is right and by the law. She knows nothing about the life and ways of a bad boy. And, so, when she meets one, she cannot help but be drawn in by the mystery of it all.

2. Freedom
You remember looking at Ms. Goody Two Shoes and thinking, "Wow, her life must be so boring." And you know what, you just might have been right. Her life might really be boring. Well, dull and mundane might be better ways of saying it. But really, there doesn't seem to be much a good girl is allowed to do. She lives restricted not only by the law but by norms and expectations and other binding rules. And, as the chains wrap tighter and tighter around her, her need and desire to break free only grows stronger. Just imagine the temptations and possibilities a bad boy offers!

3. Fixers Fix Broken Things

Good girls are fixers.

And, fixers think they can fix broken things.

Unfortunate as it may seem, bad boys are listed under said "broken things". Apparently, bad boys are simply good boys that have been broken by circumstances in their past.

4. Alternative Drug

Lying.
Skipping classes.
Riding motorcycles.
Jumping off cliffs (and into cold, turgid waters, of course).
Breaking the law.
Each of these is an adrenaline-inducing activity leading to adrenaline rush. The sudden release of chemicals that causes your brain to overdrive. Harmless. I know that's how it may seem. But, just look at what happened to Bella.

5. Change

They say change is the only constant in the world. It is inevitable.
So, maybe good girls are just waiting for a change. And, maybe they're too afraid to start it themselves so they need someone braver to trigger it for them.

The One who Loved and Cared More

In every relationship, someone would always love and care for the other more.

I'm not here to prove or disprove this statement. There's just no point to it. It's the truth- plain and simple. And, that's okay. Really, it's fine. That is, until you wake up one morning and realize that you're that sucker. Well, some people will say that it's okay for them not to have their feelings reciprocated. But, really, just how long will that be okay?

Just how much pain is the heart capable of taking before it breaks? They say the heart is stronger than we give it credit for. But, surely, it still has limits? After all, that is the only way I can put what I am going through. My heart has reached its limits. And, rightly so, as my brain would agree. Apparently, the greater strength of the heart is accompanied by greater stupidity. That's why the heart and the brain almost always disagree.

Anyway, I find myself hanging on by the edge of a cliff. I feel the pain as I struggle to keep hold. I feel the wounds of past such encounters. I see the scars. Yet, when I peer up and try to see the one thing that has kept me fighting to hold on, I see nothing. I see no point to this struggle, to this pain, to this sacrifice.

It is at this time that I ask myself the questions I have ignored before. Why am I doing this? What do I seek to achieve by putting up such masochistic efforts? For whom/what am I doing this? Is it still worth it? Had it ever been worth it?

These questions fill my mind and I can give no satisfactory answer. So, I close my eyes and let go. And, as the darkness of the abyss embraces me, I slowly smile.

I may not know what's waiting for me at the bottom, but I do know that I'm not that sucker anymore.

On Spirituality and Sexuality

I'm a Christian. And, I have gay friends. Weird? Maybe. For years, I've been struggling to come up with my own stand on the whole "God only created men and women, so homosexuals are abominations" issue. I've finally come up with an answer- or at least a sort-of answer.

First, we ask ourselves this. How do we know that God created only man and woman? Through the Bible. But that's the problem, isn't it? Everything we know about God and Jesus and Christianity is based on what we interpret from the words in the Bible. Note the word, interpret. We all accept that the Bible is God's Word. But we also have to acknowledge that most of its contents have been left for the reader to interpret spiritually. After all, if the Bible is to be interpreted literally, what would happen to us then?

Being a Christian is having a personal and spiritual relationship with God. The first thing we need to learn is to see the world in a way other than the physical manner. To understand and accept the presence of an alternate world- a spiritual world. And, as Christians, we accept that God- our God- dominates both worlds.

So, we go back to the issue at hand. "God only created men and women." Many have used Genesis to prove this. God created man, first. Adam. Then, because God didn't want him to be lonely, he created a woman- Eve.

The question I would like to ask everyone is this, How do we distinguish man from woman? Do we look at the genes- XY and XX chromosomes? Do we refer to the genitalia? Should we be basing this judgment on worldly things such as these? Should we, despite having our religion based on spirituality, base the decision of what a person is on flesh? Flesh being the very thing we should be overcoming?

I guess I don't really have an answer yet. But, posing these questions seem to be important. I may be wrong about this, but there is one thing I'm certain of. God teaches us to love. Regardless of that person's economic status. Regardless of what that person may have done. Regardless of who he was and is. Regardless of all these things, God asks us to love.

So, LOVE.