Forgiveness

What is the hardest thing to do?

To love? Of course not. Some would say that it's the easiest thing in the world. After all, just how hard could it be to fall? It's not. It can be painful, but not at all difficult.

To stay in love? To keep yourself in free fall for as long as you can. I imagine that can be difficult. Challenging, even. But not the hardest thing a man can accomplish.

To forgive. I know, I know. There are those who would say that this is easy enough to do. Some would even argue that swallowing one's pride and asking for forgiveness is more difficult. But, it's not. Because forgiveness is more than just uttering the words "I forgive you" or "It's okay" or even "I've already forgotten about it". Forgiveness is saying those words and meaning them.

So, to really and truly forgive someone is difficult. You have to forgive them from the heart and mind. And, that does not necessarily mean forgetting the act done against you. It means remembering the act and not feeling hurt, or angry, or betrayed. It means that no matter what happens in the future, you can't use that act against that person. No matter what you see or hear, you can't feel bitter or jealous. Because you've forgiven him/her.

And, that's difficult. Because when you forgive someone you tell yourself it's okay. That person didn't know any better. He or She didn't mean to hurt you. So, it's okay. But when someone hurt you through neglect and suddenly shows you that he or she knows how to care for someone, how could you not feel hurt? Because then, you start to think that maybe he or she did know better. And, maybe he or she did mean to hurt you. And, you feel hurt and betrayed all over again. Then, you realize, you've never really forgiven that person. All you did was bury all the painful memories and hope that they don't resurface. But, that doesn't work. Because memories like those will always resurface.

So, it's hard. Perhaps the hardest thing a person can do. Or maybe I just haven't learned how to do it yet. How does one manage that, anyway? How do you forgive? And, more importantly, how do you forgive the people you love the most? Because, really, the people you love are the ones who hurt you the most. And, these wounds are the hardest to heal. So, how do I do it?

The One who Loved and Cared More

In every relationship, someone would always love and care for the other more.

I'm not here to prove or disprove this statement. There's just no point to it. It's the truth- plain and simple. And, that's okay. Really, it's fine. That is, until you wake up one morning and realize that you're that sucker. Well, some people will say that it's okay for them not to have their feelings reciprocated. But, really, just how long will that be okay?

Just how much pain is the heart capable of taking before it breaks? They say the heart is stronger than we give it credit for. But, surely, it still has limits? After all, that is the only way I can put what I am going through. My heart has reached its limits. And, rightly so, as my brain would agree. Apparently, the greater strength of the heart is accompanied by greater stupidity. That's why the heart and the brain almost always disagree.

Anyway, I find myself hanging on by the edge of a cliff. I feel the pain as I struggle to keep hold. I feel the wounds of past such encounters. I see the scars. Yet, when I peer up and try to see the one thing that has kept me fighting to hold on, I see nothing. I see no point to this struggle, to this pain, to this sacrifice.

It is at this time that I ask myself the questions I have ignored before. Why am I doing this? What do I seek to achieve by putting up such masochistic efforts? For whom/what am I doing this? Is it still worth it? Had it ever been worth it?

These questions fill my mind and I can give no satisfactory answer. So, I close my eyes and let go. And, as the darkness of the abyss embraces me, I slowly smile.

I may not know what's waiting for me at the bottom, but I do know that I'm not that sucker anymore.

To You

Having the one person you hold responsible for what you have become deny having had any such influence on you is annoying. Having that person do so while informing you of your emotional immaturity and lack of EQ goes beyond irritating and borders the need to commit mass murder.

But murder is illegal, and giving in to the temptation to wring your neck just for the satisfaction of watching the life drain from your eyes is not worth knowing deep down that you had yet again gained much power and control over me. Besides, the prisons here aren't exactly known for their accommodating facilities.

 My disgust at the state of the local jail and the less than appealing inmates kept me from acting on impulse and so I gritted my teeth and listened to the rest of the sermon. Plus, there’s also the small fact that I might have had been unfair in blaming you for everything.

I’m tired. Tired of keeping score on who has done the other more wrong. Tired of pretending to be in control of my life when the entire world knows I’m not. Tired of trying to attain the ever elusive happiness I've only ever heard of. Tired of telling myself that I am better than you. Tired of hating you.

Because I do hate you. I've hated you for as long as I can remember. It’s hard for me to remember when I loved you. But I know I once did. For the hatred that courses through my veins at the smallest indication of your presence only proves that I loved you long before, and immensely at that. But all the love had gone and, for the longest of times, all I felt for you was hatred and disgust.

Now, I’m ready to let it all go.

It isn't healthy to hold on to such feelings. To clutch such poison to one’s heart. I realize that now. It ate me up and made me as rotten as I saw you to be.

And, now, I don't like myself any more than I liked you.

And, the hating begins again. I hate myself. I hate you for making me like this.

Hate is such a sneaky little thing. It makes one quite the idiot.

Well, I’ll have none of that now.

I don’t know any better way of eradicating hatred than through forgiveness. So…

I forgive you. For all the words that were too harsh for my young ears. For all the expectations that were too high for my naïve self. For all the unwarranted responsibilities shoved unto my yet incapable shoulders. For the neglect I felt. For the battles I had to fight on my own.

I forgive you. Because, maybe,… I, too, expected too much for you. I, too, was too harsh to approach. I, too, was too old for my own incapability, immaturity and weakness. Perhaps, I thought that the longer I remained a child, the more time you'd have to turn around and give me the care and tender love I perceived to be the only form of a mother's love. But, of course, that was wrong and quite stupid of me.

So, I forgive you. Because you weren't the only one at fault. Because it's about time I came to terms with these things. Because it's time I allowed myself to love who I've become.

And, I’m sorry. For the disrespect I used to deal back all the hurt I felt. For the uncaring attitude I wore as my armor. For my tongue that became hard as steel and fast in inflicting wounds. For the stubbornness that ultimately lead to immaturity. For hating without trying to understand.

 I've held on to my hatred for so long. I feel that it's partly because of my fear that if I let go, there would be nothing left. I'd be numb. But, I guess, that isn't the case.

For how can one feel nothing for the woman instrumental to his/her coming into the world? How could one feel nothing for his/her mother?