Thursday, April 3, 2014

To You

Having the one person you hold responsible for what you have become deny having had any such influence on you is annoying. Having that person do so while informing you of your emotional immaturity and lack of EQ goes beyond irritating and borders the need to commit mass murder.

But murder is illegal, and giving in to the temptation to wring your neck just for the satisfaction of watching the life drain from your eyes is not worth knowing deep down that you had yet again gained much power and control over me. Besides, the prisons here aren't exactly known for their accommodating facilities.

 My disgust at the state of the local jail and the less than appealing inmates kept me from acting on impulse and so I gritted my teeth and listened to the rest of the sermon. Plus, there’s also the small fact that I might have had been unfair in blaming you for everything.

I’m tired. Tired of keeping score on who has done the other more wrong. Tired of pretending to be in control of my life when the entire world knows I’m not. Tired of trying to attain the ever elusive happiness I've only ever heard of. Tired of telling myself that I am better than you. Tired of hating you.

Because I do hate you. I've hated you for as long as I can remember. It’s hard for me to remember when I loved you. But I know I once did. For the hatred that courses through my veins at the smallest indication of your presence only proves that I loved you long before, and immensely at that. But all the love had gone and, for the longest of times, all I felt for you was hatred and disgust.

Now, I’m ready to let it all go.

It isn't healthy to hold on to such feelings. To clutch such poison to one’s heart. I realize that now. It ate me up and made me as rotten as I saw you to be.

And, now, I don't like myself any more than I liked you.

And, the hating begins again. I hate myself. I hate you for making me like this.

Hate is such a sneaky little thing. It makes one quite the idiot.

Well, I’ll have none of that now.

I don’t know any better way of eradicating hatred than through forgiveness. So…

I forgive you. For all the words that were too harsh for my young ears. For all the expectations that were too high for my naïve self. For all the unwarranted responsibilities shoved unto my yet incapable shoulders. For the neglect I felt. For the battles I had to fight on my own.

I forgive you. Because, maybe,… I, too, expected too much for you. I, too, was too harsh to approach. I, too, was too old for my own incapability, immaturity and weakness. Perhaps, I thought that the longer I remained a child, the more time you'd have to turn around and give me the care and tender love I perceived to be the only form of a mother's love. But, of course, that was wrong and quite stupid of me.

So, I forgive you. Because you weren't the only one at fault. Because it's about time I came to terms with these things. Because it's time I allowed myself to love who I've become.

And, I’m sorry. For the disrespect I used to deal back all the hurt I felt. For the uncaring attitude I wore as my armor. For my tongue that became hard as steel and fast in inflicting wounds. For the stubbornness that ultimately lead to immaturity. For hating without trying to understand.

 I've held on to my hatred for so long. I feel that it's partly because of my fear that if I let go, there would be nothing left. I'd be numb. But, I guess, that isn't the case.

For how can one feel nothing for the woman instrumental to his/her coming into the world? How could one feel nothing for his/her mother?