Out of the Bubble

It's ridiculous. I can remember so vividly how much I've longed to finally be done with school. To finally be free of having to deal with home works, projects, exams. To finally have full control of my life. I thought that was what being an adult meant. I thought it would mean freedom from the suffocating restraints of school and overbearing parents. I thought it would mean freedom from the unwarranted expectations of teachers and peers. I thought it would mean freedom to do what I've always wanted to do.

The world that I was so eager to explore now seem too big, too wide, too vast. And, I am nothing more than a small existence in this great space that I feel like I could get swallowed whole in an instant. I have no direction. I have no destination. And, at times, I feel like I don't even know where I currently stand.

The force of the world is so strong- comparable to the raging currents of an overflowing river. And, in that river, I am but a small fish doing my best to find my own direction, regardless of the flow of the water. I am exhausting all my energy, but with no destination in mind, I can only try my best to keep myself in that same spot so I don't get lost any further. Someone told me that falling back on your own life plan is better than being in the same spot, never moving forward nor back. So, should I let myself rest and allow the currents to carry me whichever way it wants?

The world is vast. Yes, I've known that. But I didn't realize that suddenly being thrown out of the protective bubble I've been in would make me so incapable of making a decision. There are so many what-if's, so many could-there-be's. I worry what will happen if I do something, then worry again about the consequences if I don't do it. I thought I had freed myself of my chains, only to realize that I have wound around me a thousand more- chains of doubt, of uncertainty, of fear. I do not feel any freer than I was before.

As a person of considerable talent with more than a healthy amount of ego and ambition, I have many dreams. There are many things I want to grasp within my hands but reality has taught me that it isn't as easy as I once thought it would be. I see the routes to each aspiration at the same time that I see the hurdles that block my way. I want to have them all but cannot even envision the way beyond those obstacles. And, as such, my dreams have become nothing more than drawings on the sand with the waves crashing in to erase what little progress I've made.

I am lost. I have no direction. I have no destination. And, even with a destination, I cannot see past the darkness that hovers over my path. My uncertainty makes me hesitate. My fear plants my feet on the ground. And, each day, little by little, my hope dims. In my current state, I am bound to fail.

I wasn't ready. I still am not ready.

But, then again, are we ever really ready for anything?

Ambitions and the System

What do you want to do? What do you aim for? What are your plans in life?

These are the seemingly innocent questions that often put me on the spot. They're supposed to be easy to answer- and I guess that's the way they are to other people- but these are the questions that have become increasingly hard to answer over the years. When you're five years old and you answer by claiming that you'll be the president of the country who will solve the problems of poverty, people will chuckle and encourage you. Try saying that at the age of 20 and they'll smile reluctantly before gently coaxing you into taking a more "reasonable" path.

It's ridiculous, isn't it? It's the same dream but their reactions change depending on your age. Apparently, it's okay to dream big while your young. I suppose the adults chuck it up to naivety. They'll even think of you as noble and selfless. But as you grow older, you're supposed to scale down your dreams. Be realistic, they'll say. Sometimes, they don't even have to say it because you yourself will feel the world's pressure to think smaller.

It makes me sad to see this happen. Even more so to see myself do this very thing. I've lost the ability to answer people when they ask me about my aspirations. Usually, it's because I feel so beaten down by the harsh realities of life that it seems as though all the things I want to do can't be done. But, there are those times when I feel hopeful- invincible, even. Those are the times when I allow myself to dream big, to admit to myself that I want to do great things for myself, for my family, for my country, and for the world.

It's hard to be optimistic about these things, though. Because even the schools which supposedly provide us with the education we need to be successful in life teach us to be "realistic". They ask us to think of our finances, our IQ, our skills, the opportunities available to us. They keep pointing at the negative things. It's funny because I remember in pre-school how the teachers so insistently told us that we could be anything we wanted to be when we grow up. But as we go through the educational system, they start telling us that it's okay to fail, that not everyone can be the best. After all, how could there be a winner without losers, right?

It's silly. I know this. But even I have to admit that no matter how much I rebel against the educational system that attempts to change our very unique selves into uniform, mindless robots, I've fallen victim to their ploy. My dreams have grown smaller and smaller until they disappeared entirely. There are times when I've become complacent to the system. I took things as they were given to me and I was satisfied with the knowledge of meeting their low expectations.

Am I being arrogant right now? To some I might appear so. But, I don't have time to appease everyone's sensitivities. The fact remains that we are all truly capable of doing great things. We all have what it takes to influence the system. We just need to bring that potential out. I believe that we were all born with raw talent that needs to be honed. If the system we rely on to do that, if the society we believe should be responsible for making that happen become incapable of doing it, shouldn't we just decide to do it ourselves?

I probably sound like a naive, little girl to many adults out there and maybe I am one. I admit that I hold certain ideologies that die down in most people as they age, but I refuse to let go of them. What's so wrong with aiming for an ideal world? For a different world? All I'm really saying is that we should recognize our own potentials. Everyone can be great, we just need to set higher expectations for ourselves. If the people around us aren't going to challenge us, we should challenge ourselves.

I just want to live in a world where it's okay to dream of setting up an orphanage without having people think you're crazy. I want to live in a world where I can say that I want to be both a skilled surgeon and an exceptional writer without being called naive. I want to live in a world where it's okay to be ambitious.