Out of the Bubble

It's ridiculous. I can remember so vividly how much I've longed to finally be done with school. To finally be free of having to deal with home works, projects, exams. To finally have full control of my life. I thought that was what being an adult meant. I thought it would mean freedom from the suffocating restraints of school and overbearing parents. I thought it would mean freedom from the unwarranted expectations of teachers and peers. I thought it would mean freedom to do what I've always wanted to do.

The world that I was so eager to explore now seem too big, too wide, too vast. And, I am nothing more than a small existence in this great space that I feel like I could get swallowed whole in an instant. I have no direction. I have no destination. And, at times, I feel like I don't even know where I currently stand.

The force of the world is so strong- comparable to the raging currents of an overflowing river. And, in that river, I am but a small fish doing my best to find my own direction, regardless of the flow of the water. I am exhausting all my energy, but with no destination in mind, I can only try my best to keep myself in that same spot so I don't get lost any further. Someone told me that falling back on your own life plan is better than being in the same spot, never moving forward nor back. So, should I let myself rest and allow the currents to carry me whichever way it wants?

The world is vast. Yes, I've known that. But I didn't realize that suddenly being thrown out of the protective bubble I've been in would make me so incapable of making a decision. There are so many what-if's, so many could-there-be's. I worry what will happen if I do something, then worry again about the consequences if I don't do it. I thought I had freed myself of my chains, only to realize that I have wound around me a thousand more- chains of doubt, of uncertainty, of fear. I do not feel any freer than I was before.

As a person of considerable talent with more than a healthy amount of ego and ambition, I have many dreams. There are many things I want to grasp within my hands but reality has taught me that it isn't as easy as I once thought it would be. I see the routes to each aspiration at the same time that I see the hurdles that block my way. I want to have them all but cannot even envision the way beyond those obstacles. And, as such, my dreams have become nothing more than drawings on the sand with the waves crashing in to erase what little progress I've made.

I am lost. I have no direction. I have no destination. And, even with a destination, I cannot see past the darkness that hovers over my path. My uncertainty makes me hesitate. My fear plants my feet on the ground. And, each day, little by little, my hope dims. In my current state, I am bound to fail.

I wasn't ready. I still am not ready.

But, then again, are we ever really ready for anything?

I am Good Enough

What is the one thing that could hurt you the most? It's that one thing that people throw around like they have the right to do so. That one thing that could make a vulnerable soul crumble. Expectation. I can almost hear the boos and disgruntlement over this. And, I'm certain many would argue that love is a far more hurtful thing. Perhaps those people are right. Or perhaps they just don't realize how badly expectations can damage us. How deeply they can reach into our psyche.

I can no longer count the number of times I had nearly pushed myself over the edge for what someone else wanted me to be. It is almost humiliating to think of the amount of tears I once shed over something as silly as trying to uphold someone else's notion of who I am. You see, expectations are tricky little things. They have a way of snaking doubt into our minds and planting seeds of desperation and fear into our hearts. They make us doubt our own abilities, our own skills, our own identity. They make us desperate to reach for goals that are more often not our own. They make us fear failure and what others would think of us. They make us fear other people's opinion of us- their thoughts, their judgment, their disappointment.

Disappointment is born out of failed expectations. Expectations are nothing more than a person's unattainable dreams being projected onto others. It's nothing more than their way of trying to live life through another person. Expectations are images born out of someone's misguided interpretation of who a person is and who he/she can be. These are lethal poisons thrown around through off-handed comments, jokes, teasing threats and the like. It's almost too casually done for the kind of damage it deals to the unprepared.

It's sad how easily people discard who they are for the sake of trying to be someone they're not. Sadder, still, when they don't realize how doing so only detract from who they are. With every expectation made is bound to be a disappointment. And, with every disappointment, we allow someone else to take a part of us away. Why do we beat ourselves up over someone else's expectations of us? Worse yet, why allow ourselves to suffer by our own expectations of ourselves?

I doubt there's a way to eliminate expectations in the world. We can hardly eliminate poverty, how much better would we fare at phasing out unwarranted thoughts from naturally nosy beings? In the end, it's not other people we need to change but ourselves. We need to decide just how far we're going to let other people dictate how we live our own lives. We need to choose whose opinion matters and whose don't. We need to regain our self-confidence and believe in who we are.

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." -Psalm 139:14

We are wonderful, beautiful creatures yet we keep trying to change ourselves because we don't - can't see ourselves in our entirety. And, maybe we do try to look at who we are but we look at mirrors that have been distorted by society's skewed standards and convince ourselves that something's lacking in us. You're wrong. It's just as Tohru Honda of Fruits Basket said,

"If you think of someone's good qualities as the umeboshi in an onigiri, it's as if their qualities are stuck to their back! People around the world are like onigiri. Everyone has an umeboshi with a different shape and color and flavor. But because it's stuck on their back, they might not be able to see their umeboshi."

This is for all the souls out there who feel that they aren't good enough, for all the spirits that have been beaten down, for all the hearts heavy with disappointment. I may not know your personal situation, but I do know this as a fact. You are an amazing, beautiful, wonderful creature with talents and strengths unique to you alone. And, no matter what the world's defective system of putting value to human beings says, you are invaluable. You are good enough, strong enough, beautiful enough, skilled enough.